Rankings

Communion

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Anyone who has been to church has taken communion at some point. It is a monthly if not weekly tradition at most churches. Let me first say that I love the symbolism of it and I respect/enjoy taking part in it. Below are what I consider the five worst things in the communion tradition. If you have ever taken communion you will recognize most if not all of these situations. So sit back grab your hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice and enjoy.

5. Two Hands?

I noticed this a few years ago at church when I was taking part in communion. I had my bread and juice in my left hand and I had my right hand holding my left arm up. I thought “Why am I using two hands to hold my communion?” I looked around and noticed 80% of the people were also doing it. I can’t figure out why we use two hands? There is nothing lighter in the world than communion. I haven’t tried this, but I think if you let go of your bread it actually floats away. Not to mention the .004 ounces of juice in the plastic thimble. It’s strange because it’s not like we hold a banana with two hands while we eat it and a banana probably weighs 10 times as much as the communion elements. Next time you are at church I want you to look at your hands then look around, your mind will be blown!

4. The Cup

Okay, after you finished holding your elements with two hands and have eaten the bread and the juice you are stuck with the cup. Has there ever been something so small yet caused such a pain? If you’re not familiar with the communion cup it’s about the size of a thimble or 3 small water bottle lids stacked on one another. I never have any idea what do with the cup. I try sticking it in my pocket, but it is impossible to get all the juice out so it ends up leaking.

Side note: There is literally about a hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice in each cup, but it is impossible to completely empty the cup. Can we not design a better cup that flows smoother? I am looking at you big communion, you need to fix this!

I will talk myself into just holding it, but after about 35 seconds I start playing the cup and end up making a loud cracking sound when I squeeze it too tight. The best option I have found so far is setting it at your feet, but the success rate is about 6% when it comes to remembering to grab it after the service and not to mention the fact that you will kick it at some point.

My solution… I  want the cup to be made out of the bread so you can just eat the cup, then you won’t have to worry about it. If you’re reading this saying “how is that possible” let me just say that we have landed on the moon. This is definitely possible.

3. Grabbing The Cup First

This one is comical. When the tray is being passed around there is an order of operations that must be done. If you do not know what the tray looks like, imagine the rims you would see on a black pastors Impala. I actually think they had these little cups, but had no way to hold them. Then one Sunday somebody had an idea and they put the pastors car on blocks, took his rims, and away they went.

Okay back to the order of operations for communion. This is the PEMDAS version of communion.

1. Grab the tray with your weak hand. I know you’re scared to grab it with the fear of dropping it lurking, but this is isn’t actually Jesus’ body, it just symbolizes it.

2. Grab the bread with your dominant hand.

3. Grab the juice with the hand that is holding the bread.

4. Pass the tray along.

It’s a simple process but people always swap steps 2 and 3. There is nothing funnier than when somebody grabs the juice first because it is IMPOSSIBLE to then grab the bread. They will look at their hand in confusion and think “how in the world can I grab the bread now without dumping my juice?” They have the same look you have when you are trying to nail up a board but left the hammer on the ladder. You look up at the board and line the nail up, only to realize you don’t have a hammer. It takes about a three Mississippi in order for your brain process what exactly happened and respond. The same thing happens with communion. Follow my four simple steps and communion away.

2. The Cup Lick

This is right after the part where the pastor says “This cup symbolizes Jesus blood that was shed for us, let us drink together.” We all then drink, but like previously mentioned the cup does not drain properly. There are a couple drops at the bottom that I don’t know what to do with. What ends up happening is I take a quick look to my left, then my right, if nobody is looking I stick my tongue in the cup and lick out the rest. I look like a frog trying to catch a fly because it happens so quick. I don’t know what else to do? I can’t waste it, after all there are kids in Africa without thimble sized cups of grape juice. I thought this was a move I would out grow with age, but I am well into my twenties and I still do it often.

1.The “Bread”

This is by far my biggest beef with communion. Can we not get some bread that actually tastes good? How hard can that be. The bread just symbolizes Christ’s body, it shouldn’t actually taste like it. I overheard last week a kid saying “Mom, Jesus doesn’t taste very good.” The main kind of bread churches use looks like somebody shrunk a white Cheez-It by about 80% but with none of the taste.

Actually, that gave me a great idea, why can’t we just use a normal cheddar Cheez-It? Who would complain about that? Even if you argue that it’s not actually bread, I will counter with the point that there is no way what we are using now is bread either. I have read the bible thoroughly, nowhere does it condemn the use of Cheez-It’s.…

The second kind of bread comes in a combo pack with the juice. Meaning, you get a cup with the “bread” sealed on top. In order to use it you must peel the “bread” and take it out, then peel the second layer to get to the juice. Nothing better than when the pastor is on stage doing communion and has to peel it and can’t get it open. If you are pastor and leading communion on Sunday, make sure you don’t bite your nails all week, you will need them.

Back to the “bread”. The reason I keep using quotation marks is there is no way that it’s bread. I spent a couple of years working in a shipping department where we used packing peanuts. Let me tell you, this “bread” is just a white, Frisbee shaped, packing peanut. If you get a drop of water on the “bread”, it literally just withers away and dies. I don’t know if I should be mad at the church for ordering this stuff or at big communion for cooking, well actually, more accurately, manufacturing this bread. I am going to put it in both their courts to figure something out, and if they can’t, a Cheez-It will suffice.

The Worst Candies

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I have seen many other lists on the important issue of worst candy, but they are all opinion based. This list is fact; it’s the candy version of the Ten Commandments. I see people put Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as the worst candy only to read on about how they have a peanut allergy. If you agree with them because you also have an peanut allergy, eat a big handful of Reese’s and die. Okay, not really, I got a little carried away there. I apologize. JUST STOP WRITING THESE ASTROCITIES OF YOUR SO CALLED WORST CANDY LISTS!

Honorable Mentions

Caramel Apple Sucker

Have you ever had a craving for one of these?

Fruit Candy

You know those weird candies that are at every secretary’s desk in the country? The ones that are filled with some weird artificial juice? They suck! Obama, if you want to spike your approval in the country, this is how. I want a federal mandate to all companies saying enough is enough with these candies. Make them put out something good like Reese’s and Snicker’s!

Dots

Too much work, for too little taste. Not to mention the size of the box is like the same size as an Ipad 2. We could save the Rainforest if these got discontinued.

Candy Corns

I get that we like the festive colors, but if these were brown and gray colored they would sell 1000% less than they do.

Sweethearts

I get that you want to say “I love you” by giving me candy, but I will love you even more if you give me a Twix.

Runts

I love runts, but have yet to meet anyone who likes the banana in them. You may be saying “it’s just one thing.” Yes, yes it is, but if I make a turkey, roast beef, Swiss cheese sandwich with rotten mayonnaise, it’s no good! Get rid of the banana and you have a new customer.

Pixie Sticks

They said “forget all the work that goes into making candy; we will just give them the best part.” Turns out substance with candy is the most important part. To the lazy makers of pixie sticks, I bid you GOOD DAY!

5. Jolly Rancher Hard Candy

You may be thinking I love the Jolly Rancher and you’re probably right. I do love the picture I get in my head of a Jolly Rancher. I can picture Santa Claus out on his ranch riding a horse and him saying “boy oh boy, I am one Jolly Rancher.” But now for the negatives, these do not age well. Jolly Ranchers are a hard candy, but give them time and they turn in to a Jello covered rock. The outside gets weirdly squishy and somehow the inside gets harder. The other problem is the residue it leaves behind. Once it ages a little like previously mentioned, it leaves a layer of stick on your hands. I use no hyperbole when I say you could probably climb up a vertical wall like Spiderman if you rubbed a Jolly Rancher on both your hands and your feet. If you think warm water and soap will take it off, good luck. You are going to need MEK paint thinner and a 3000 PSI Honda Pressure washer.

4. Jujubes

Where to even start on these? First the name. It is pronounced Jew Jew Bees. What is a Juju? Is that a Jew who is a doctor, but also does comedy? Is it a guy from the morning team out of Fresno? Is it a new discipline called Jui Jui Jitsu? Urban Dictionary calls it “the Gypsie word for luck.” If it means luck, you are going to need all the luck you can get eating these. Chewing on this stuff is like chewing on ¾ minus crushed gravel. Good luck surviving with all your teeth intact. If you’re lucky enough to keep all your teeth, hope you have a free 3 day weekend coming up where can sit and pick all the candy out of your mouth. Again why the bes? We have a way to spell bees, ITS BEES. Why do you have to get all highfalutin on us with your spelling! Can we not just add the other ‘e’ on there? It’s not like its called supercalifragilisticexpialidocious candy and it must be shortened to SCFED candy. IT’S JUST ONE VOWEL, A HARMLESS E!!!! Also, do they have a taste? There’re fat kids who have turned these down in favor of carrots.

3. M&M’s

My hatred of these may be a little personal. I have a numerous friends (it’s tough for me to even call them friends anymore) whose favorite cookie is the M&M cookie. We don’t need an M&M cookie we already have something called the CHOCALATE CHIP COOKIE!! All an M&M is, is a round chocolate chip. Why don’t we cut out the middle man and just sell small bags of chocolate chips at checkout lines? Also, if I want just chocolate, I will eat a Hershey’s bar. It doesn’t get any better than that. Down with M&M’s!!!!

2. Tootsie Roll

I spent the last 5 months of my life debating if this should go 1 or 2. First off the taste, what is the taste? It is a chocolate candy but it does not taste like the afore-mentioned chocolate chip or Hershey’s bar. It tastes like somebody was trying to make a chocolate candy without any of the ingredients of chocolate in it. Now the blaring problem, the name. A tootsie roll. We have something on our bodies called our tootsie or butts. We also have something that comes out of our tootsies that looks like this candy, called turds. So basically this candy is being marketed to us as poop. Tootsie Roll is just a nice way of saying Butt Turd. They might actually move more units if it was called that due to the novelty of it. Finally, everyone growing up has heard a story from a friend, who had a friend, who had a friend. The story being, how they wrapped up one of their own turds and put it into a Tootsie Roll wrapper. Then they gave it to someone who ate it. Nobody loves jokes more than I do especially ones that have poop involved, but do I really need a candy that can be so easily confused? I rest my case.

1. Tootsie Pop

Where to even begin? Again, why the need for the name tootsie to be involved? I just don’t get it. Let’s breakdown this candy. The outside is fair to midland at best. It’s decent until you try a Dum Dum and realize how good those are. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll? I have no idea, but if you try, be prepared for a bump to appear on the tip of your tongue the following day. Plus, who has the patience to just sit and lick it all day? Now for the real problem. You finally lick your way down and now you are stuck with a Tootsie Roll. A TOOTSIE ROLL!!! All that work for that! It’s like hatching a plan to break from prison, escaping, and then getting hit by a bus the next day. ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING!!! Also I feel like I spent most of childhood looking for an Indian shooting a star on my wrapper. You remember that? How if you found one you got a free sucker, or maybe it was you needed 5 and you got a free bag of suckers? Who knows, all I know is that I lost a lot of valuable time, plus countless sticky finger from constantly saving those wrappers. Now, let’s make a big Dum Dum and put a peanut butter cup in the middle of it. That will be the highest selling candy for the rest of time.

 

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After The Office Power Rankings

I was watching The Office blooper reel the other night with some friends and I made the comment that Ed Helms has had the best career post Office (Turns out I was wrong). It got me thinking about the top 20 characters on it and what order they would fall into now that we have had a couple years since the show ended. Below is my opinion based on some facts such as money earned, box office hits, number of projects, how often you still see them, and other things I make up that I deem important.

20. Paul Lieberstein (Toby Flenderson)

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He has to be number 20. You can’t do any Office list and have him finish anywhere but last. I have too much respect for Michael to put him anywhere else. After The Office he hasn’t been seen too often. He was an executive producer on the show the Newsroom. It’s something, but executive producer seems like a title they give out when they don’t know what else to call you.

19. Leslie David Baker (Stanley Hudson)

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Fallen Stars, Austin & Ally, The Exes, When Duty Calls, Marry Me, Wish I Was Here. I took the time to list everything on his IMDb page. That tells you all you need to know.

18. Creed Bratton (Creed Bratton)

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Creed was a former Grass Roots band member way back in the 60’s. After The Office his IMDb page doesn’t look much different than mine. He has done things, but we all have done things.

17. Kate Flannery (Meredith Palmer)

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She was in something called Cooties. Do you need to know anything else?

16. Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson)

Jan

She has done quite a bit of work. Unfortunately, most of it happened prior to The Office. She has appeared in a few T.V shows most notably Transparent, but everything else on her IMDb page are brief appearances. No matter what she does though, I will always love her for her role as Trudy Monk.

15. John Krasinski (Jim Halpert)

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Who would have thought that he would be in between Jan and Kevin on any list ever?

14. Brian Baumgartner (Kevin Malone)

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I love Brian Baumgartner. However, besides playing in some celebrity golf tournaments he hasn’t been up to much. He has had a lot of guest appearances on numerous shows but hasn’t done anything worthy of him not being number 14 on the list.

13. Oscar Nunez (Oscar Martinez)

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He had a little run on a show called the Bench, but besides that he has been sitting on the bench. Yes, bad pun intended and yes, they pay me for brilliant lines like that.

12. Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute)

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He popped back up again with his show Backstrom, but quickly went away as it was cancelled. He did have an awesome appearance on the Adam Carolla Show, one of my favorite episodes ever. Unfortunately appearances on the Adam Carolla show don’t exactly make you rich and his paying gigs are a lot like Brian Baumgartner’s hair. Few and far in between.

11. Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly)

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She got very lucky to have recently been cast in the show You, Me, and the Apocalypse. Otherwise she would be hanging out with Toby in the rankings. The fact that it is still currently on air gives her a slight the edge over Rainn Wilson.

10. Phyllis Smith (Phyllis Vance)

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Like Jenna, Phyllis was saved recently. Being cast as the voice of sadness in the movie Inside Out was a big get. With a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes that is enough to place her in the top 10. Albeit number 10.

9. David Denman (Roy Anderson)

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He has been busy since Pam broke off their engagement. Showing up in Parenthood, Mad Men, True Detective, and as co-lead in the upcoming T.V show Outcast. He was the biggest surprise to me on this list. He also recently married Mercedes Masöhn and that counts for something. Well done David. Well done.

8. B.J. Novak (Ryan Howard)

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His IMDb page is quite impressive. While I don’t think any of parts have been that big, the movies he has been in are real movies. He also wrote a book called The Book with No Pictures. Add that to dating Mindy Kaling and you will find yourself at number 8.

7. Ellie Kemper (Erin Hannon)

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She started slow after The Office but with the release of her Netflix show the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, she made up for lost time.

6. Zach Woods (Gabe Lewis)

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If it were up to me he wouldn’t be this high since he single handily tried to ruin The Office. Unfortunately, he is in Silicon Valley, Playing House, and has had features in to many other shows to name. You can’t argue with his body of work. I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me in 2010 that he would have the career he is having, but he is. Nice work Zach!

5. Angela Kinsey (Angela Martin)

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I was prepared to put her around 18 on this because I hadn’t seen her since The Office. When I got on her IMDb page I realized why. She has been in The Hotwives of Orlando and Las Vegas. Not exactly in my wheelhouse. She also has 2 other shows with real roles as well as 3 projects she is currently working on. With a net worth of 12 million she has made it and has earned her spot in the top 5.

This is where it gets tough. The Final Four.

4. Craig Robinson (Darrel Philbin)

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He is another surprise success for me. Not that I haven’t seen him around, but if you would have told me during season 1 that he would become a A- list celebrity I would have yelled liar and bid you good day. With Hot Tub Time Machine, Mr. Robinson, and 6 more projects set to come out next year he finds himself in a well-deserved spot at number 4. Unfortunately the only thing keeping him out of the 3 spot is his 6 million dollar net worth.

3. Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor)

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Obviously we all know about the Mindy Project, but she also a New York Times best seller. Her new book Why Not Me, by all accounts is a fantastic read. I couldn’t decide whether to put her 3 or 4, but her 15 million dollar net worth was good enough to edge out Craig Robinson.

2. Ed Helms (Andy Bernard)

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How crazy is it that Andy became an A list celebrity? Having recently starred in We’re the Millers, Vacation, and Stretch, he has found himself at number two. He also has four projects he is working on that are set to come out next year. I can’t forget to mention his net worth of 20 million which helped is ranking quite a bit.

1. Steve Carell (Michael Scott)

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Of course. Could it be anyone else at number 1? The way I judge acting is by asking the simple question. Could I do what he does? There are a lot of shows where I think I could that. For example, I could play Nick Cannon on Real Husbands of Hollywood. I could also play Booth on the show Bones. What I could never do in a million years is play Michael Scott. Steve Carell is just too good at acting. His net worth of 50 million sealed the deal and landed him in the top spot.

 

 

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