Bernie Sander’s to Give Everyone Free Cars
—This morning on Berniesanders2016.com, Bernie published a new idea he hopes will help boost his approval rating. In the post titled “Free Ride”, Bernie released a plan saying that for as little as a cup of coffee every 90 seconds being taken from your paycheck, everyone in America can have a free car. He didn’t just stop there though. He clarified his remarks by saying “I don’t mean a crappy car either. I mean a car that is no more than 2 years old.” For those worried they might get a 1990 Toyota Tercel that is sure to help put your nerves at ease.
We were able to catch up with Bernie and asked him who would be paying for gas, repairs, and car insurance? He replied “Free! It’s all free. I don’t think the American people realize that for the price of a $5 foot long every 8 minutes, we can provide everything needed to keep the free cars on the road.” He didn’t stop there. Bernie added “I want you to drive your new car to the ampm and fill up on gas for free. I then want you to go inside and get a free Slurpee. But wait. Grab a corn dog as well! GRAB ANYTHING YOU WANT FOR FREE!” He was then heard yelling “FEEL THE BERN!!!!” as he quickly left are offices without giving us the opportunity to ask any follow up questions.
One thing is for sure; this will have republicans everywhere fired up.
Khloe Kardashian Adopted
—Breaking news this morning online as a never released episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians got leaked with shocking news. In the never before seen episode Bruce and Kris were heard talking in the kitchen about how happy he was that Kris adopted Khloe in August of 1985. Bruce was heard saying that Khloe was by far his favorite of the bunch including his own daughters Kendall and Kylie.
It is unclear whether this is news that all the siblings knew but didn’t want released or if nobody had any idea that she was ever adopted. The big winner in all this news is James Harden. While yes he is dating a Kardashian she doesn’t share the blood as the rest of them. Hopefully that will be enough to not ruin his career. I know you may be thinking what about Lamar? It ruined him. While yes that may be true, Lamar was unstable to begin with.
We have reached out to every member of the Kardashian family including their 3rd cousin Bagrat, but have yet to hear back from any of them.
Some have doubts that this story was “accidently” leaked and are claiming it was actually a media ploy to boost ratings for the show. While we can’t confirm that, we can say it doesn’t seem to match with the Kardashian’s character. They seem like the last family who would ever leak private things in order to boost ratings.
All we know for sure is that this news explains a lot about Khloe.
First Female to Play in the NFL
—Breaking news this morning as the Cleveland Browns announced they have signed the first female in NFL history. Contrary to popular belief that the first female in the NFL would be a kicker, the Browns have signed linebacker Becky O’Shea, who is better known by her nickname Icebox.
Becky came into our offices late last night to sit down with us and explain the emotions she was going through. “I have only been this excited before once in my life and that was winning a peewee game against my uncle. I never thought I would feel that way again. I always loved football even if it wasn’t what most girls would do. I got caught up trying to fit in and actually was a cheerleader for a short time, but it wasn’t me. The turning point in my career was when a teammate of mine named Spike told me he didn’t play with girls. That stuck with me and is something I have used for motivation ever since. I hope to be an inspiration to all the girls out there but more importantly I hope to kick some butt.”
We asked her what the first thing is she would buy with her new contract. She smiled and said “A new car for my dad. He is getting to old to be driving a go-kart around.”
Becky who is married to her longtime sweetheart Junior has two kids and hopes to show them anything is possible. Her husband Junior couldn’t be more excited for her and actually played some small college football as a QB. He currently works as a district manager for a well-known toilet paper distributor, but may have to resign to stay home with the kids.
McDonalds to Come out with Big Mac Mile Campaign
—Breaking news this morning out of Oak Brook, IL as McDonalds announces a brand new campaign. In a hope to promote exercise as well as McDonald’s food they announced the Big Mac Mile. For those who haven’t heard it will be the same format as the beer mile. Participants will run a mile stopping every lap to eat a Big Mac.
Ronald was nice enough to accept are interview request and said this “I was recently hanging out with Michelle Obama at the White House. As you all know she is big into promoting a healthy and active lifestyle. For many that seems like it would exclude our food. That is when I had my come to Jesus moment. What if we combined the two? I pitched it Mrs. Obama and she got so excited she took off on a run. When she got back 45 minutes later we ironed out some of the details and are proud to say the first event will take place next month. This upcoming October on the 18th at 2pm at the University of Washington track we will have the first race. We are also excited to announce that celebrity Morgan Spurlock who some of you may know from the documentary Supersize Me will be there in attendance.”
With a $10 signup fee the race is expected to fill up quickly. Big Mac’s will not be provided so make sure you stop and get four of them a couple days before the race.
They also hope to gather footage from this inaugural event and use it in a mass marketing campaign. If you ever wanted your 5 seconds of fame you may never get a better opportunity in your life.
If you are interested in signing up, more information can be found at www.bigmacmilecampaignwithmorganspurlockapprovedmymichelleobama.com
Lawsuit Against the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge
In somewhat surprising news this week homeschooler Ethan Davis is suing the creators of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. We were able to catch up with Ethan this morning to hear why he was suing.
We asked him the most obvious question is why? To which he replied “13 months ago when the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge got started I was excited. I was excited to help a good cause and I was also excited to dump cold water on myself. It started out awesome and I watched as it started to spread to some mutual friends of mine. I could feel it, I was getting close to being nominated. Then in the blink of an eye it was over, the calendar changed and it was now September. Nobody ever nominated me and when you don’t get nominated it hurts. It hurts real bad. It left me with only two options. Either go out and get some friends or sue them and it shut it down. I feel like I made the logical choice.”
We also asked Ethan why now? This happened over a year ago. Why the long wait? Ethan answered “I had heard from the creators of this that they wanted it to be a yearly tradition. I realized I didn’t get nominated this year but thought next year it would be different. Then next year came and nobody nominated me again. That was the last straw. The challenge had raised over 100 million dollars so I knew they had some pretty deep pockets. I also want to point out that I am not animal and realize that the money was for a good cause. That is why I am only suing for half of the 100 million for loss of quality of life and being bullied by the creators.”
No lawyer has picked up the case yet, although Gloria Allred is showing interest.