I was thinking about friends the other day and no not the T.V show. Confusing I know since the picture above is of the show Friends, but it’s completely unrelated. I probably should have used a different picture so I wouldn’t have to explain that it’s not about the show Friends, but it’s to late now.
I was asking myself the question “How do you make friends?” If you think it about, it could be the hardest question in the world to answer. How do you make friends? I have friends, but I have no idea how I made them. What made me and them decide we would be friends when we met? It’s not like were the cast from Last Man on Earth and these are the only humans left. Out of all the billions of people on earth why am I friends with the handful of people I am?
ANSWER…I don’t know. I decided to do a Google search on the topic to find out how you do it. The top answer on Google gave me the following 7 step list.
1.Do it blind. Most of us have heard of the “blind date,” when we let a friend play matchmaker and set us up with someone we’ve never met before. Do the same thing to meet friends.
2.Get up close and personal.
4.Set a goal.
6.Don’t take it personally.
7.Think outside the box.
No joke that is what it said. That looks like something you would find in the book How Sociopaths Make Friends For Dummies. I have found that the best way to make friends is to set a goal and say cheese. Works just under 0% of the time.
Like all tough questions I need to answer in life, I decided to reverse engineer it. What do I not want in a friend? I thought about it and these five things came to mind. I believe these five things to be a universal truth; meaning if you do any of these things that is why you don’t have friends.
Spinning in Foosball
If I see someone who looks like they would make a good friend, the first thing I do is challenge them to a game of foosball. But wait you might ask? What if there isn’t foosball table around? What I do and would recommend to anyone who is reading this, is always carry a foosball table in the back of your truck bed. You never know when you might meet a possible friend and you need to always be prepared. If they start spinning their guys faster than Michelle Kwan doing a shotgun spin in the 2002 Olympics, it’s time to move on. That is an insane person. Foosball is game where you try to score goals, not where you try to generate enough energy to power a 40W light bulb for the next three days.
Carries a ________ with Them
I don’t like when anybody carries something with them at all times so they can show off. Whether that be a guitar, a magic trick, a basketball, or a cd of their latest mixtape. You can have all those things in your car, but you can’t carry them with you. If I utter the words “Man, I haven’t seen a magic trick in a while” that is a test. If you proceed to pull a deck of cards out of your cloak like you’re the Hustler Kid from the show Recess and ask me to pick a card, we’re finished and you have failed the test. Actually, the fact that you wear a cloak is enough for me to go the other direction. I don’t care what you pull out of it.
The person I hate the most is guitar guy. These guys are never that good at playing or singing and end up doing unasked for mediocre performances all night. Do you think you would ever see Louis Armstrong walking down the street holding his trumpet just cause? NOPE! The only time real musicians have instruments is when they practice, play, or are walking somewhere to play. They don’t carry their instrument around waiting for an opportunity to arise. That is what people who suck do because nobody wants them to play at an actual gig.
Owns a Ferret
Potential friend – Hey what are you up to?
Me – Nothing much.
Potential friend – You should come over and hangout with me and Felix.
Me – Whose Felix? Is he a cool guy?
Potential friend – Ha-ha Felix is my Ferret.
Me – *Hangs up phone
If you have a ferret I am extremely jealous first of all because people who have ferrets love them more than I could ever love anything on this planet. They love ferrets more than John Legend loves Chrissy Teigen and if you have ever heard the album Love in the Future, that is a lot of love. I wish I had 10% of the loving capabilities ferret owners do. It takes a special person to love something as awful and grotesque as a ferret.
Ferret ownership means you live in a basement and probably have a sword hanging on the wall. Ferret ownership also means you smell like a ferret all the time and are surprised when people say “NO, I DO NOT WANT TO KISS YOUR FERRET,” as you proceed to make out with it. Just say the word ferret out loud if you’re reading this. It doesn’t sound like something I ever want be within 100 feet of. If you think about it, the only thing worse than a ferret, are the people who own ferrets. To quote War “Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends?” You own a ferret, that’s why.
Is a Foodie
I had an old coworker who once uttered these words when I asked him, “What are you up to this weekend?” His response, “Nothing much, I will probably just catch up on all my Yelp reviewing I have to do.” If I was the boss I would have canned him right there. That is the worst. This is someone who if you try to go out and eat with, will give a dissertation on the pepperoni pizza they ordered. Kidding! We all know he wouldn’t order a pepperoni pizza! He would have to order an I’m better than you pizza with extra goat cheese and whole tomatoes slices on top. News flash. THE SAUCE IS MADE OUT OF TOMATOES, YOU DON’T NEED TO ALSO ORDER IT FOR THE TOP OF YOUR PIZZA! I hate this guy. If it sucks, it sucks and you can complain briefly. If it’s good feel free to let me know, but again, keep it brief. Don’t however, treat it like you are going to write a sequel to In Search Of Lost Time called My Dinner. If you have ever written a Yelp review longer than 3 sentences, it is time to get a job. If you already have a job and still write long Yelp reviews, it’s time to hang up your last pair of sunglasses at the Sunglass Hut and move on.
Half Birthday Aficionado
I hate birthdays! This may make me sound like I converted into being a Jehovah’s Witness, but I haven’t. You can rest assured knowing I will never knock on your door with a pamphlet that has Jesus on it with the question “Who was this man?” Actually, it’s not that I hate birthdays, it’s just that I hate your birthday. I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with some people and one of them said “My half birthday is in 2 weeks.” I don’t want to name her in case she is reading this…Wait a minute, I do want to name her so she knows to never do it again. Her name is Sarah.
If you know when your half birthday you are crazed narcissists who needs counseling immediately. Not only do I not care when your birthday is, I really don’t care when your half birthday is. After the age of 8 half birthdays are no longer thing.
If you have ever wished yourself a happy birthday on FB, Instagram, or Snapchat I am going to say something you have never heard in your life. Take a seat if you are standing. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You’re not. All you really have to do to have a birthday is not die. Think about it. Do we really need a yearly party celebrating you not dying?
If you know when your half birthday is, then I am going to half (Get it? Half instead of have?) to not be your friend.
A couple nights ago I was playing the game Horse with some friends. Horse is where you shoot different basketball shots, trying to make a shot your friend will miss. When you make a shot and the person you are playing with misses, they get the letter H. Once you spell out the word horse you lose. You can also play pig, which is the same game, just a little shorter. Unclear why they are both animal related. Horses and pigs have exactly zero in common with the game of basketball, but I digress. We were playing with 3 people and one of my friends made a shot. Another friend took the shot and missed. I proceeded to take my own shot, only to get a look of confusion mixed with you are cheating from my friend.
That is what gave me the idea for this post. Everybody seems to have their own rules for how games are played. What we need is a calm/soothing/brilliant voice to establish such rules. Luckily, not only do I know the perfect guy, but we happen to be really close. 90% of all the rules are accurate but there are a couple of rules in each of the following games that people have different rules for. I will be talking about those.
Please keep in mind these rules are not suggestions, they are laws. I have reached out to the FBI to see if they would help enforce these, but have yet to hear back from them. I am however, confident they will respond with an affirmative yes.
I searched my brain for a few other games with different rules and below will be the proper rules to 4 important games. These rules will not only make the games better they will also save friendships in the process.
The first rule I touched on above is changing the name. It will no longer be horse and pig because those have nothing to do with basketball. It will now be loser and bad. The only good thing pig and horse have going for them is that you get to call people a horse and a pig and have it be acceptable. I want to keep that alive and be able to call people a loser and bad. However, unlike horse and pig, bad and loser have a correlation to the game of basketball.
If somebody gets a letter off of a shot, nobody has to attempt that shot again. You can’t get multiple letters off of one shot.
When you are on your last letter and you miss, you get the following two options.
Option 1 – You can either take the shot again and if you make it you stay alive or if you miss you are a loser.
Option 2 – You can have the person who originally made the shot take it again and if they miss it you are still alive and if they make it you are a loser.
This is not a rule but something that needs to be said. Monopoly is NOT a game of luck. If you had 3 people play 300 games each one would not win 100 of them. The person with the most skill would win 150-200 of them. Monopoly has skill to it and so much so that I have not lost a game of monopoly in 10+years.
If you land on go you DO NOT get $400. Playing where you double the go money if you land on it infuses far too much cash into the game. When there is a ton of cash in the game it takes away a little of the needed skill and turns it more into luck.
When you land on free parking you get nothing. You don’t have to pay anything and you also don’t get to collect anything. Some people put all the money paid into the chance and community cards into the free parking spot so if you land on it, you get it. Again it not only infuses too much cash into the game but when is the last time you parked in a free parking spot and got handed $250?
If for example you own all 4 railroads but need to mortgage one that does not nullify your monopoly. Meaning if you mortgage Reading Railroad and somebody lands on one of the other 3, they still have to pay $200. All mortgaging Reading Railroad does is make it so nobody has to pay you if they land on it.
Back to basketball with the game of 21.
If your score is 13 or less and you get tipped, you go back to 0. If your score is 14 or higher and you go get tipped, you go back to 13. You can have 18, get tipped to go back to 13, then get tipped on 13 and go back to 0. I know it sucks, but it is part of the game.
When you are breaking or shooting after a made basket you shoot 3’s. No more free throws, this isn’t the 1950’s. Also once you make 3 in a row you check the ball up and are forced to score with defense again.
We are still playing basketball there are out of bounds rules. If the ball goes out of bounds the person with the lowest score gets the ball the first time. After that it goes in order to the next lowest and so on and so forth until the game is over. Once you go through the first time you have established an order and must keep that order the remainder of the game.
I wrote about this last week http://thoughtsatlarge.com/?p=1529. ABSOLUTLY NO SPINNING.
If the ball goes into the goal and then bounces out, it is still a goal. In a real soccer, which this game is based off of, all the ball has to do is cross the white goal line. It then doesn’t matter if somebody kicks the ball out or if it bounces out it is still a goal. Same goes in foosball.
Unless you are on the Dave Ramsey super plan, you eat out pretty regularly. After all, is there anything that much better than going out to eat with friends on a Friday night? To answer my own question. No, not really. The only thing that can ruin it, is you. You are going to a new restaurant and aren’t sure what to order. Thank goodness you have me. I am here to help you maneuver the ordering process with ease. I don’t normally compare myself to super heroes but let me say this. Batman saves people in a made up city with made up people. I save people in the real world with real people. You tell me who is the bigger hero?
Order the Mac and Cheese
Always, always, always, order the mac & cheese, but only if it falls between the $7-$15 price range. The reason being is that under $7 you get in the Kraft price range. Over $15 and you get there take on mac & cheese. There will be noodles and cheese, but they will ruin it trying to make it to fancy. People tend to overlook the mac & cheese and think it’s for kids, but they are wrong. A good mac & cheese will be the best thing you eat all week.
Wood Fired Pizza Oven
I have talked before about how I work with crazy people, but here is another story to really drive home that point. One road trip we were on we went to a restaurant with a wood fired pizza oven. My coworkers proceeded to order a piece of fish and the other one ordered a plate of spaghetti. Nothing wrong with either normally, but when you are at a place with a wood fired pizza oven. YOU ORDER PIZZA! I proceeded to eat one of the best pizzas of my life, while they ate the same meal you could get at any ordinary Applebee’s.
The next year we went back and my coworkers learned from me and ordered pizza this time. In order to one up them again I got wood fired jojo’s. When I say jojo’s a lot of people think about the soggy ones you find at Safeway. Those give jojo’s a bad name. Wood fired jojo’s may as well be a completely different food.
The Right Way
Nothing is better is than mac & cheese and good pizza. However, some restaurants don’t seem to understand that and attempt to put their own flavor on an already good item. Pizza is pizza. It is cow cheese, meat, and a thin crust. That is all you need for good pizza. There is nothing to fix. Pizza is delicious. When a restaurant says “well we do are pizza with goat cheese, a super thick crust, and whole tomatoes slices”, stay away! They are attempting to fix pizza, but like I already mentioned, IT DOESN’T’ NEED FIXED! If you want to fix cauliflower and Brussel sprouts so they become edible, then feel free! But leave my pizza alone!
Cater Your Order to the Restaurant
The definition of stupidity is going to a seafood restaurant and ordering a hamburger. It’s true. You can look it up in the Derriam-Webster dictionary. You don’t go to Texas to order seafood. They may have it on the menu, but you go to Texas for BBQ. If someone specializes in car repair, you don’t also expect them to specialize in tree removal. Let the mechanic fix the cars and the let the tree service remove the trees. If you are at a great breakfast place don’t order a dinner item! You order breakfast. Cater your order to the specialty of the restaurant. When in Rome does as the Romans do…
Never Sleep on the Mozzarella Sticks
I’ll keep this brief. Mozzarella sticks are the Jack Sikma of appetizers. Way underrated and worthy of ordering almost every time you go out. Ordering Mozzarella sticks separate the haves and the have nots. The haves, now have mozzarella sticks to enjoy and the have nots, don’t.
Not an order I know, but still very important. If the restaurant you are at does their own special sauce for burgers and fries, you have to order it. If ketchup is a Ford Taurus the special sauce is a BMW 5 series.
Whose Thought Is It?
Yesterday I had one of my least favorite thoughts in life. It is my least favorite because it starts out so good but ends poorly. At church I had a brilliant thought…Don’t make permanent decisions in temporary situations. For about a 3 Mississippi I thought I was the most brilliant guy who ever lived. Look out Socrates there’s a new sheriff town. Or maybe I should say a new Hoplite in town? I have no idea what the ancient Greeks called there sheriff but rest assured I was it in that moment. Then I had the worst thought ever. Somebody has to have already thought of that right? A Quick Google search and my ego was more deflated than the New England Patriots footballs. Calm down Bill Simmons it’s a joke!
Now to the important issues. I am sure somebody could spend their whole life pondering my next question and never figure it out, but I still want to ask it. Is this a thought I would have had if I was born 100 years ago or did my environment assist me in it?
Obviously if I had the idea to make an app that would be heavily influenced by my environment. Nobody had any idea that an iPhone would exist 100 years ago so the chances of them inventing an app would be slim. If somebody did have an idea for an app back then they were probably called insane and listed in the DSM-5 had that existed. Actually, what if somebody had the idea for that back then to? My head officially hurts now.
Another example is this. Last week a guy came over for dinner from Uganda. He had been here for the last couple months and I asked what the craziest part about America is to him. He replied “Disney World. It is unreal. In Africa that is something you can’t even imagine. It would be impossible to think of something like that and when I go back and tell people about it they probably won’t believe me.” I said that in a little better English than he did but the message is the same. If you are in Africa, Disney World is unimaginable.
I think we can agree that most products are determined by environment, but what about words though? I may be a little bias because I want to take credit for what I said and prove my brilliance, but are they influenced by the time period you live in?
I say no.
I would say the way you phrase it over the years can change but the thought would still be there. I think I had a genius/brilliant/super awesome thought that was not influenced by environment. I also think most people think the same way I do and it would make sense for someone to have already had that thought on their own a few years before me.
I think what will change is the record of brilliant thoughts meaning this. Every thought that somebody finds even somewhat smart will now be written down. Gone are the days where somebody will have a brilliant thought but only be able to tell it to their sheep. Thoughts now get shared and re-shared with ease on social media. Every dipstick like me who doesn’t have a college degree now has access to be able to post and share every thought I have. I dare say by the time I die I will have more thoughts written down than Plato ever did. Which is kind of cool for me to think about but scary for everyone else who reads this.
I do believe that if I lived in Africa, Greenland, or Russia I would have still had that same thought. Let me know what you guys think? Do you agree? Disagree? Or did this fry your brain?
I have a love/hate relationship with the show Catfish. I love Max and his hair. He is the only person on the planet with that hair color. He looks like fell asleep in a tanning booth if tanning booths turned your hair silver. I also love watching how messed up people’s lives are compared to mine. No matter how messed up my life is I can go to sleep knowing I didn’t spend the last 6 months of my life talking to someone I thought was Bow Wow.
I hate the show because I didn’t think of it first. That sucks. I could be hanging out with Ned right now but instead I’m writing this. I also hate it because I feel bad for the people on it. They truly get their hearts broken when the hot blonde turns out to be a gay guy. Another reason I hate it is that I have never been catfished. Sounds like a good thing, but what it means is that I am so un-dateable no one will even catfish me.
What I want to write today is the guide to how you know you are being catfished. I know other things like this exist but this won’t be like them. They want you to do an image search on the person and see what it pulls up. That’s cheating. I want you to do a little math and use common sense.
They’re 2 Points Hotter than Your Last Girlfriend
The last episode I watched was a rerun but it was about a kid who lived in a very small town. At the end he met the guy who was catfishing him and his ex-girlfriend showed up as well. His ex-girlfriend was not attractive. If your ex-girlfriend is fat and ugly then there is no way the super-hot model is into you. People who date 3’s usually don’t dump them and start dating 10’s. It’s just math. People can only date other people who are within 2 points of them on the hotness scale. If you’re a 3 that is your starting point meaning you have range to go up to a 5, but no higher than that. Use your head next time. No you’re other head…
Disclaimer for those who are angry that I called someone fat and ugly. There are skinny people and there are hot people. We can all agree on that. However, if we have skinny and hot people we must also have fat and ugly people. You can’t have good without evil. I am not fat so I don’t fall into that category. However, I am ugly. That’s a part of life. Hot people should be thanking me because without me they wouldn’t be hot. If we all were hot then nobody would be hot. I will accept cash and a thank-you for my sacrifice.
They’re 3 Points Hotter than You
10’s date 10’s or 8’s with really great personalities. 10’s don’t date 3’s. They don’t. Just ask them if you don’t believe me. If you are a 5 but have a great job, great personality, and your favorite hobby is giving women foot massages you might be able to date an 8. If you are a 2 your max girl you can date is a 5. It’s true, I even double checked my math. You need to be able to step back and view the situation as an outsider. Your right I haven’t had much luck with girls, I am a 2, I don’t have a job, and I live at home. The famous pop singer probably isn’t in to me, are they? Come to that realization then move on.
I love Selena Gomez. I once may have created a fake Selena Gomez FB profile so it would say I was in a relationship with her. I may have. I can neither confirm nor deny it. Selena Gomez doesn’t date 5’s who make 25k a year. She dates Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas. My name isn’t on that list. It’s on her other list of people who creepily stalk her. If someone claiming to be Selena Gomez messages me I will assume it’s actually a fat guy in his mom’s basement and I will be right in my assumption. If my name is Alexander Ludwig and I get a message from Selena Gomez I would then assume it was her. The only people who date celebrities that aren’t celebrities are chefs, yoga instructors, photographers, and masseuses. I don’t cook, I can’t touch my toes, my Instagram has 198 followers, and I have never been paid to give a massage. If you are like me then you can instantly eliminate yourself from the celebrity dating sweepstakes.
Hot 18 Year Old with No Phone
Everybody owns a phone. If I were to text my deceased grandma who died 3 years ago she would text me back. That’s how it works in this society. When you are messaging the so called “Instagram Model” and you ask for her number only for her to reply “I don’t have a phone.” That is what you call a red light where you run over a spike strip. Also if the “Instagram Model” doesn’t have a phone how does she have an Instagram?!?! Did you ever think of that? If the person you are talking to truly doesn’t have a phone you are talking to someone under the age of 5 or over the age of 80. Either way that’s a stay away.
She Wants to Spend Her Life with You Before You Meet
When I have a boring weekend and hang around the house I like to play with my dog. After a short period of time even my dog gets sick of me. She likes me for the first 8 hours then wants nothing to do with me. The girl you are talking to who is way out of your league and has never met you face to face doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with you. That is not how it works. How it works is they want you to buy them dinner, go out on dates, and if all goes well will say I love you 6 months in, but even then isn’t sure about spending her entire life with you. If a girl on day 3 of talking says I want to spend my entire life with you that’s a red flag. When you see the red flag treat it like they do in the NFL. Look at the replay and at all the evidence that points to her being fake. Then reverse the call and never talk to that person again.
With the tolls on the Narrows Bridge going up a couple months ago, I wanted to do a little research on when the bridge will be paid for. I looked around a lot of different sites and gathered info from them and this is what I found.
1. The bridge cost 690 million to build.
2. The interest rate on it is 5.85%.
3. The annual expenses of the bridge excluding payments are around 11 million a year.
4. It grossed 63 million last year meaning it profited 52 million excluding loan payments.
5. There is not an exact number on how long the loan I could find but it appears as if the it is structured until 2030.
6. That means a total of 1.25 billion will be paid for the bridge. Principal + interest.
7. We have paid off around 350-400 million.
8. We still owe 850 million on it.
9. With the toll raise today the bridge will make a projected 66 million over the next 12 months.
10. In the 12 months after it should make 73 million.
11.The toll will get up to $6 in 2016.
12. When the toll hits $6 it should make $80 million.
13. In 3 years we will owe 630 million.
14. At 80 million a year it will take a little under 8 years to pay it off.
15. If you add the 3 years plus the 8, the bridge should be paid off around 2025/2026.
That is about all I could find. If you have other information please let me know.
The above picture of an Instagram post says “Epic 10k run for the @ultimatehawaiiantrailrun. I suggest everybody who didn’t get a chance to do it this year sign up next year. We were able to raise enough money to support local kids of Kauai to do CrossFit free of charge for the next two years…amazing.”
I was scrolling the random picture part of IG last night when I saw this. I am big on running and I clicked on it to find out what it was about. That was when I saw it was a fundraiser so kids can do CrossFit…
About 3 years ago I got invited to a charity by a friend who was helping put the event on. It sounded fun to me and I said I would go. Only when I got there did I realize the charity was to raise money for disabled kids so they could sail.
First off, sailing is a luxury item. I don’t know one person who has ever sailed before mainly because of the cost associated. I would put sailing in the helicopter ride department. Yes they exist. Nobody I know has ever done it.
Secondly, this may make me sound like a horrible human being but I don’t want disabled kids to be able to sail. I want them with clothes, food, a great family, and a roof over their heads. But they don’t need to sail. I am perfectly able and still can’t sail. Life isn’t always fair.
Thirdly, last I checked hunger, cancer, and orphans still exist. Once we get those taken care of then maybe just maybe we can move onto disabled kids sailing.
That brings me to the fundraiser for kids who can’t afford CrossFit. Good news and bad news here. Good news. You can do Fran with us today. Bad news. You may die from malnutrition. We are getting really close to having a fundraiser for a fundraiser. What cause are we supporting tonight? We are supporting a fundraiser who is supporting a fundraiser who is supporting disabled kids doing CrossFit. I might have gotten my stories mixed up but you get the point.
I might even put doing CrossFit below sailing. At least sailing has been around for a while. CrossFit only got invented 10 minutes ago. If we want to have a CrossFit fundraiser for kids. It shouldn’t be to pay for their memberships. It should be to pay there deductible when they get injured. Queue the hate mail from the insane CrossFit community who swears nobody has ever gotten injured as half the gym does a modified WOD due to injury. Stop writing me hate mail and get back on your foam roller!!
I love the thought and energy that we want to help someone and put on an event. I would just like to make sure kids aren’t starving to death before we get them access to a pull-up bar. Call me old fashioned.
I would rather donate money to “Michael Scott’s Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure” before sailing and CrossFit.
Can you imagine someone asking you what charity you support and having to reply “Kids for CrossFit?” That sounds like a bad article on The Onion.
It did inspire me though to launch my own charity which will be starting up next week. Raising Money to Raise Professional Athletes Children. RMRPAC for short. I have a dream that one day all of Antonio Cromartie’s kids will be fully sponsored through the program. All ten of them.
If you think that charity shouldn’t exist, I leave you with this…