2015 October

Free Ride

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Bernie Sander’s to Give Everyone Free Cars

—This morning on Berniesanders2016.com, Bernie published a new idea he hopes will help boost his approval rating. In the post titled “Free Ride”, Bernie released a plan saying that for as little as a cup of coffee every 90 seconds being taken from your paycheck, everyone in America can have a free car. He didn’t just stop there though. He clarified his remarks by saying “I don’t mean a crappy car either. I mean a car that is no more than 2 years old.” For those worried they might get a 1990 Toyota Tercel that is sure to help put your nerves at ease.

We were able to catch up with Bernie and asked him who would be paying for gas, repairs, and car insurance? He replied “Free! It’s all free. I don’t think the American people realize that for the price of a $5 foot long every 8 minutes, we can provide everything needed to keep the free cars on the road.” He didn’t stop there. Bernie added “I want you to drive your new car to the ampm and fill up on gas for free. I then want you to go inside and get a free Slurpee. But wait. Grab a corn dog as well! GRAB ANYTHING YOU WANT FOR FREE!” He was then heard yelling “FEEL THE BERN!!!!” as he quickly left are offices without giving us the opportunity to ask any follow up questions.

One thing is for sure; this will have republicans everywhere fired up.

 

The Worst Candies

CANDY

I have seen many other lists on the important issue of worst candy, but they are all opinion based. This list is fact; it’s the candy version of the Ten Commandments. I see people put Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as the worst candy only to read on about how they have a peanut allergy. If you agree with them because you also have an peanut allergy, eat a big handful of Reese’s and die. Okay, not really, I got a little carried away there. I apologize. JUST STOP WRITING THESE ASTROCITIES OF YOUR SO CALLED WORST CANDY LISTS!

Honorable Mentions

Caramel Apple Sucker

Have you ever had a craving for one of these?

Fruit Candy

You know those weird candies that are at every secretary’s desk in the country? The ones that are filled with some weird artificial juice? They suck! Obama, if you want to spike your approval in the country, this is how. I want a federal mandate to all companies saying enough is enough with these candies. Make them put out something good like Reese’s and Snicker’s!

Dots

Too much work, for too little taste. Not to mention the size of the box is like the same size as an Ipad 2. We could save the Rainforest if these got discontinued.

Candy Corns

I get that we like the festive colors, but if these were brown and gray colored they would sell 1000% less than they do.

Sweethearts

I get that you want to say “I love you” by giving me candy, but I will love you even more if you give me a Twix.

Runts

I love runts, but have yet to meet anyone who likes the banana in them. You may be saying “it’s just one thing.” Yes, yes it is, but if I make a turkey, roast beef, Swiss cheese sandwich with rotten mayonnaise, it’s no good! Get rid of the banana and you have a new customer.

Pixie Sticks

They said “forget all the work that goes into making candy; we will just give them the best part.” Turns out substance with candy is the most important part. To the lazy makers of pixie sticks, I bid you GOOD DAY!

5. Jolly Rancher Hard Candy

You may be thinking I love the Jolly Rancher and you’re probably right. I do love the picture I get in my head of a Jolly Rancher. I can picture Santa Claus out on his ranch riding a horse and him saying “boy oh boy, I am one Jolly Rancher.” But now for the negatives, these do not age well. Jolly Ranchers are a hard candy, but give them time and they turn in to a Jello covered rock. The outside gets weirdly squishy and somehow the inside gets harder. The other problem is the residue it leaves behind. Once it ages a little like previously mentioned, it leaves a layer of stick on your hands. I use no hyperbole when I say you could probably climb up a vertical wall like Spiderman if you rubbed a Jolly Rancher on both your hands and your feet. If you think warm water and soap will take it off, good luck. You are going to need MEK paint thinner and a 3000 PSI Honda Pressure washer.

4. Jujubes

Where to even start on these? First the name. It is pronounced Jew Jew Bees. What is a Juju? Is that a Jew who is a doctor, but also does comedy? Is it a guy from the morning team out of Fresno? Is it a new discipline called Jui Jui Jitsu? Urban Dictionary calls it “the Gypsie word for luck.” If it means luck, you are going to need all the luck you can get eating these. Chewing on this stuff is like chewing on ¾ minus crushed gravel. Good luck surviving with all your teeth intact. If you’re lucky enough to keep all your teeth, hope you have a free 3 day weekend coming up where can sit and pick all the candy out of your mouth. Again why the bes? We have a way to spell bees, ITS BEES. Why do you have to get all highfalutin on us with your spelling! Can we not just add the other ‘e’ on there? It’s not like its called supercalifragilisticexpialidocious candy and it must be shortened to SCFED candy. IT’S JUST ONE VOWEL, A HARMLESS E!!!! Also, do they have a taste? There’re fat kids who have turned these down in favor of carrots.

3. M&M’s

My hatred of these may be a little personal. I have a numerous friends (it’s tough for me to even call them friends anymore) whose favorite cookie is the M&M cookie. We don’t need an M&M cookie we already have something called the CHOCALATE CHIP COOKIE!! All an M&M is, is a round chocolate chip. Why don’t we cut out the middle man and just sell small bags of chocolate chips at checkout lines? Also, if I want just chocolate, I will eat a Hershey’s bar. It doesn’t get any better than that. Down with M&M’s!!!!

2. Tootsie Roll

I spent the last 5 months of my life debating if this should go 1 or 2. First off the taste, what is the taste? It is a chocolate candy but it does not taste like the afore-mentioned chocolate chip or Hershey’s bar. It tastes like somebody was trying to make a chocolate candy without any of the ingredients of chocolate in it. Now the blaring problem, the name. A tootsie roll. We have something on our bodies called our tootsie or butts. We also have something that comes out of our tootsies that looks like this candy, called turds. So basically this candy is being marketed to us as poop. Tootsie Roll is just a nice way of saying Butt Turd. They might actually move more units if it was called that due to the novelty of it. Finally, everyone growing up has heard a story from a friend, who had a friend, who had a friend. The story being, how they wrapped up one of their own turds and put it into a Tootsie Roll wrapper. Then they gave it to someone who ate it. Nobody loves jokes more than I do especially ones that have poop involved, but do I really need a candy that can be so easily confused? I rest my case.

1. Tootsie Pop

Where to even begin? Again, why the need for the name tootsie to be involved? I just don’t get it. Let’s breakdown this candy. The outside is fair to midland at best. It’s decent until you try a Dum Dum and realize how good those are. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll? I have no idea, but if you try, be prepared for a bump to appear on the tip of your tongue the following day. Plus, who has the patience to just sit and lick it all day? Now for the real problem. You finally lick your way down and now you are stuck with a Tootsie Roll. A TOOTSIE ROLL!!! All that work for that! It’s like hatching a plan to break from prison, escaping, and then getting hit by a bus the next day. ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING!!! Also I feel like I spent most of childhood looking for an Indian shooting a star on my wrapper. You remember that? How if you found one you got a free sucker, or maybe it was you needed 5 and you got a free bag of suckers? Who knows, all I know is that I lost a lot of valuable time, plus countless sticky finger from constantly saving those wrappers. Now, let’s make a big Dum Dum and put a peanut butter cup in the middle of it. That will be the highest selling candy for the rest of time.

 

How to Order at Restaurants

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Unless you are on the Dave Ramsey super plan, you eat out pretty regularly. After all, is there anything that much better than going out to eat with friends on a Friday night? To answer my own question. No, not really. The only thing that can ruin it, is you. You are going to a new restaurant and aren’t sure what to order. Thank goodness you have me. I am here to help you maneuver the ordering process with ease. I don’t normally compare myself to super heroes but let me say this. Batman saves people in a made up city with made up people. I save people in the real world with real people. You tell me who is the bigger hero?

Order the Mac and Cheese

Always, always, always, order the mac & cheese, but only if it falls between the $7-$15 price range. The reason being is that under $7 you get in the Kraft price range. Over $15 and you get there take on mac & cheese. There will be noodles and cheese, but they will ruin it trying to make it to fancy. People tend to overlook the mac & cheese and think it’s for kids, but they are wrong. A good mac & cheese will be the best thing you eat all week.

Wood Fired Pizza Oven

I have talked before about how I work with crazy people, but here is another story to really drive home that point. One road trip we were on we went to a restaurant with a wood fired pizza oven. My coworkers proceeded to order a piece of fish and the other one ordered a plate of spaghetti. Nothing wrong with either normally, but when you are at a place with a wood fired pizza oven. YOU ORDER PIZZA! I proceeded to eat one of the best pizzas of my life, while they ate the same meal you could get at any ordinary Applebee’s.

The next year we went back and my coworkers learned from me and ordered pizza this time. In order to one up them again I got wood fired jojo’s. When I say jojo’s a lot of people think about the soggy ones you find at Safeway. Those give jojo’s a bad name. Wood fired jojo’s may as well be a completely different food.

The Right Way

Nothing is better is than mac & cheese and good pizza. However, some restaurants don’t seem to understand that and attempt to put their own flavor on an already good item. Pizza is pizza. It is cow cheese, meat, and a thin crust. That is all you need for good pizza. There is nothing to fix. Pizza is delicious. When a restaurant says “well we do are pizza with goat cheese, a super thick crust, and whole tomatoes slices”, stay away! They are attempting to fix pizza, but like I already mentioned, IT DOESN’T’ NEED FIXED! If you want to fix cauliflower and Brussel sprouts so they become edible, then feel free! But leave my pizza alone!

Cater Your Order to the Restaurant

The definition of stupidity is going to a seafood restaurant and ordering a hamburger. It’s true. You can look it up in the Derriam-Webster dictionary. You don’t go to Texas to order seafood. They may have it on the menu, but you go to Texas for BBQ. If someone specializes in car repair, you don’t also expect them to specialize in tree removal. Let the mechanic fix the cars and the let the tree service remove the trees. If you are at a great breakfast place don’t order a dinner item! You order breakfast. Cater your order to the specialty of the restaurant. When in Rome does as the Romans do…

Never Sleep on the Mozzarella Sticks

I’ll keep this brief. Mozzarella sticks are the Jack Sikma of appetizers. Way underrated and worthy of ordering almost every time you go out. Ordering Mozzarella sticks separate the haves and the have nots. The haves, now have mozzarella sticks to enjoy and the have nots, don’t.

Special Sauce

Not an order I know, but still very important. If the restaurant you are at does their own special sauce for burgers and fries, you have to order it. If ketchup is a Ford Taurus the special sauce is a BMW 5 series.

Everything Won’t Be Okay

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The above pictures has been making the rounds on social media. The place I got it from had over 50k shares and 100,000k likes. It seems harmless enough, but I can’t stand the message its making. It hits close to home for me because in two weeks I turn 23. I am writing this mainly for myself, but as well as motivation to you reading this.

I am someone who likes pain and likes being uncomfortable. I like those because that is when you grow. I recently had a meeting with my boss where I basically said “My job is too easy and I want to do things that I don’t know how to do.” If you workout the best thing you can be is sore. That means you have broken you muscles down and they are rebuilding stronger. This picture makes it seem like you don’t have to worry and everything will be alright. “Oh you don’t believe me? Well look at these successful people who at the age of 23 were struggling. It worked out for them, didn’t it?”

Below I will do a little back story on each of the 4 named people and will explain to you that you should worry and everything won’t be okay.

J.K Rowling

At 23 she had graduated from college with a 4 year degree in French and Classics. Once she graduated she got a job as a researcher and bilingual secretary. It says she was broke but she had a job and by all accounts made enough to pay her bills. That makes her like 98% of people out there. Two short years later at the age of 25 she came up with the idea for Harry Potter. While technically at age 23 she wasn’t doing great, she had career possibilities. She is also a genius and if you are reading this that means you aren’t. Shots fired at me and you. If you are 23, I wouldn’t bank on pulling the Harry Potter idea out of your butt in 2 years.

Tina Fey

At 23 she had already graduated from college with a Bachelor of Arts degree in drama. While at school she studied play-writing and acting and was awarded the Pettway Prize. She may have had a job YMCA but she had a degree in the field she wanted to get into. Like J.K Rowling she is also a genius. If you’re sitting at home waiting to magically turn into to Tina Fey then you’re off to a bad start.

Oprah Winfrey

This is where it gets easy. She was fired from being a television reporter at the age of 23. I would like to point out that in order to get fired as a television reporter, you have to first be a television reporter! Oprah wanted to get on T.V and she did. She may have gotten fired, but she had a job in the field she wanted to be in. You are 23 and haven’t even decided what you want to do in life. Let alone to have already gotten fired from it.

Walt Disney

Saved the easiest for last. He went bankrupt at age 23 meaning he took enough risks in life to where if he failed, he would go bankrupt. He went bankrupt because he started a film company and even signed a deal with a production company. That deal didn’t go as well as planned which led to him going bankrupt. Again, he was chasing after his dreams with no fear. He knew what he wanted to do and went after it at full speed, crashed, and got right back in the car

My main message here is whatever you want to do. DO IT!!! Yes, at the age of 23 none of them were who they are now, but they were laying the foundation for their life. They were either going to school, working in the field they wanted to be in, or were doing what they wanted to do. Don’t sit at home thinking one day you will wake up and appear in your dream job. That first of all takes talent. Secondly, it takes an insane work ethic where you out work everyone and then work some more. Thirdly, it takes courage. You will fail, you will not get knocked down, but you will get back up. Rocky said it best when he said “It’s not about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.” Lastly, they had a little luck. Not the win the lottery type of luck. I am talking about the talent + hardworking + courage type of luck where they put themselves in an opportunity to get the one break they needed to be successful. If you are waiting for your break but haven’t done the first three things I mentioned, you will be waiting for ever.

The worst thing you can do is only dream. If you only dream about what you want to do you will never reach it. The longer you think about your dream but don’t chase after it, the more impossible your dream starts to feel. It is a long journey but it starts with two important steps. Dream and then take action. These steps don’t guarantee success, but it at least gives you a chance.

If you hit a half court buzzer beater to win a basketball are you lucky? I don’t know. What I do know is that you were in the game. You can’t win the game from the bench. You can’t win the game from the crowd and you definitely can’t win the game sitting at home. It’s time to get in the game.

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