2015 October

the-office

After The Office Power Rankings

I was watching The Office blooper reel the other night with some friends and I made the comment that Ed Helms has had the best career post Office (Turns out I was wrong). It got me thinking about the top 20 characters on it and what order they would fall into now that we have had a couple years since the show ended. Below is my opinion based on some facts such as money earned, box office hits, number of projects, how often you still see them, and other things I make up that I deem important.

20. Paul Lieberstein (Toby Flenderson)

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He has to be number 20. You can’t do any Office list and have him finish anywhere but last. I have too much respect for Michael to put him anywhere else. After The Office he hasn’t been seen too often. He was an executive producer on the show the Newsroom. It’s something, but executive producer seems like a title they give out when they don’t know what else to call you.

19. Leslie David Baker (Stanley Hudson)

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Fallen Stars, Austin & Ally, The Exes, When Duty Calls, Marry Me, Wish I Was Here. I took the time to list everything on his IMDb page. That tells you all you need to know.

18. Creed Bratton (Creed Bratton)

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Creed was a former Grass Roots band member way back in the 60’s. After The Office his IMDb page doesn’t look much different than mine. He has done things, but we all have done things.

17. Kate Flannery (Meredith Palmer)

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She was in something called Cooties. Do you need to know anything else?

16. Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson)

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She has done quite a bit of work. Unfortunately, most of it happened prior to The Office. She has appeared in a few T.V shows most notably Transparent, but everything else on her IMDb page are brief appearances. No matter what she does though, I will always love her for her role as Trudy Monk.

15. John Krasinski (Jim Halpert)

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Who would have thought that he would be in between Jan and Kevin on any list ever?

14. Brian Baumgartner (Kevin Malone)

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I love Brian Baumgartner. However, besides playing in some celebrity golf tournaments he hasn’t been up to much. He has had a lot of guest appearances on numerous shows but hasn’t done anything worthy of him not being number 14 on the list.

13. Oscar Nunez (Oscar Martinez)

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He had a little run on a show called the Bench, but besides that he has been sitting on the bench. Yes, bad pun intended and yes, they pay me for brilliant lines like that.

12. Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute)

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He popped back up again with his show Backstrom, but quickly went away as it was cancelled. He did have an awesome appearance on the Adam Carolla Show, one of my favorite episodes ever. Unfortunately appearances on the Adam Carolla show don’t exactly make you rich and his paying gigs are a lot like Brian Baumgartner’s hair. Few and far in between.

11. Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly)

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She got very lucky to have recently been cast in the show You, Me, and the Apocalypse. Otherwise she would be hanging out with Toby in the rankings. The fact that it is still currently on air gives her a slight the edge over Rainn Wilson.

10. Phyllis Smith (Phyllis Vance)

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Like Jenna, Phyllis was saved recently. Being cast as the voice of sadness in the movie Inside Out was a big get. With a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes that is enough to place her in the top 10. Albeit number 10.

9. David Denman (Roy Anderson)

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He has been busy since Pam broke off their engagement. Showing up in Parenthood, Mad Men, True Detective, and as co-lead in the upcoming T.V show Outcast. He was the biggest surprise to me on this list. He also recently married Mercedes Masöhn and that counts for something. Well done David. Well done.

8. B.J. Novak (Ryan Howard)

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His IMDb page is quite impressive. While I don’t think any of parts have been that big, the movies he has been in are real movies. He also wrote a book called The Book with No Pictures. Add that to dating Mindy Kaling and you will find yourself at number 8.

7. Ellie Kemper (Erin Hannon)

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She started slow after The Office but with the release of her Netflix show the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, she made up for lost time.

6. Zach Woods (Gabe Lewis)

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If it were up to me he wouldn’t be this high since he single handily tried to ruin The Office. Unfortunately, he is in Silicon Valley, Playing House, and has had features in to many other shows to name. You can’t argue with his body of work. I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me in 2010 that he would have the career he is having, but he is. Nice work Zach!

5. Angela Kinsey (Angela Martin)

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I was prepared to put her around 18 on this because I hadn’t seen her since The Office. When I got on her IMDb page I realized why. She has been in The Hotwives of Orlando and Las Vegas. Not exactly in my wheelhouse. She also has 2 other shows with real roles as well as 3 projects she is currently working on. With a net worth of 12 million she has made it and has earned her spot in the top 5.

This is where it gets tough. The Final Four.

4. Craig Robinson (Darrel Philbin)

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He is another surprise success for me. Not that I haven’t seen him around, but if you would have told me during season 1 that he would become a A- list celebrity I would have yelled liar and bid you good day. With Hot Tub Time Machine, Mr. Robinson, and 6 more projects set to come out next year he finds himself in a well-deserved spot at number 4. Unfortunately the only thing keeping him out of the 3 spot is his 6 million dollar net worth.

3. Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor)

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Obviously we all know about the Mindy Project, but she also a New York Times best seller. Her new book Why Not Me, by all accounts is a fantastic read. I couldn’t decide whether to put her 3 or 4, but her 15 million dollar net worth was good enough to edge out Craig Robinson.

2. Ed Helms (Andy Bernard)

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How crazy is it that Andy became an A list celebrity? Having recently starred in We’re the Millers, Vacation, and Stretch, he has found himself at number two. He also has four projects he is working on that are set to come out next year. I can’t forget to mention his net worth of 20 million which helped is ranking quite a bit.

1. Steve Carell (Michael Scott)

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Of course. Could it be anyone else at number 1? The way I judge acting is by asking the simple question. Could I do what he does? There are a lot of shows where I think I could that. For example, I could play Nick Cannon on Real Husbands of Hollywood. I could also play Booth on the show Bones. What I could never do in a million years is play Michael Scott. Steve Carell is just too good at acting. His net worth of 50 million sealed the deal and landed him in the top spot.

 

 

Social Media

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Social Media

If you’re like me you have a list of things you want to do with your life ranging from traveling the world to washing your car. If you’re like me you also have excuses on why you aren’t doing them. The first excuse is, I don’t have the money. The second excuse is, I don’t have time. It’s the worst catch 22 of all time because if you bust your butt working you don’t have time to do anything and if your lazy you have all the time but no money to do anything.

I base a lot of my life on statistics and data. For example I am not afraid to fly because the data says I am more likely to die in a car which I use every day, than in a plane. I understand that planes do crash, but as a whole, it is safer than driving.

Today I want to look at the time aspect of time and money and use some stats to help me with it. I will be using the averages of numbers to do it. I always tell people stats like the average person eats 22lbs of nuts each year only to have the person respond “I don’t like nuts.” That is fine you don’t like them but as a whole people eat 22lbs a year. That is a made up stat by the way, but I wanted to make a point.

Here is some data:

The average American lives to be 72.

The average person ages 12-72 spends 3 hours a day on social media.

That breaks down to 21 hours a week, roughly 91 hours a month, and 1,092 hours a year.

In other words by the time you are 72 you will have spent 65,520 hours in social media which translates to 2,730 days or 7.5 years.

7.5 years is slightly more than 10% of your life.

If that doesn’t make you want to delete your FB, IG and Snapchat I don’t know what will. If we work 8 hours a day and sleep 8 hours day, we only have 8 hours left. Using 3 of those 8 hours or 37.5% of our day everyday on social media is insane. All we do on social media is read posts and look at pictures from people we really don’t like, only to go back on an hour later and re-read/re-look at the same stuff. I can’t tell you how many times I look at the same IG post on a daily basis. Don’t even get me started on FB because I look at the same posts over and over every day. I would like a study to be done so we know how many hours people waste looking at something they already looked at.

Don’t think I want you to get rid of your FB, IG, or Twitter because if you’re reading this you probably found it through one of those platforms.

My theory behind why we spend so much time on social media is because we don’t like to think. People wake up in the morning and turn the T.V on. Then they drive to work listening to the radio. At work they turn on Pandora, then drive home and listen to an audio book. When they get home they turn on the T.V again, and like I mentioned while doing all this they spend 3 hours on social media. At no point during that day did you ever have to think or get to daydream. You had someone else’s thoughts going through your head the entire day.

If we had to stare at a wall every day we would go crazy. Social media allows are brains to be just active enough to not go crazy, but not active enough to be productive. Spend enough time on FB and it will put you in a trance like state.

If you’re wondering how to limit your social media time here’s how.

1.Get the Social Media Shutdown app where you set a daily timer for how long you want to spend on social media. For example: If you set it for 2 hours, once you go past 2 hours it blocks you from all social media for the rest of the day. This app doesn’t really exist at least not that I know of, but if you’re reading this and know how to make apps I will gladly pay for this.

2. Use the 8-8 rule. Don’t use any social media platform before 8am or after 8pm.

3. If you are on IG and you look at a picture more than twice give yourself a 2 hour penalty until you are allowed to check it again.

4. Get real life friends and do real life stuff with them. It’s crazy that when we are with are best friends instead of talking with them, we sit on our phones and read FB status from people we don’t like. Spend time with your real friends! If you went up to a lot of your FB friends on the street, let’s say for example this one is named Rachel and you said, “Hi Rachel” she would say, “How do you know my name?” She doesn’t know who you are so why are you spending time every day reading about her life. That was just an example, at no point in my life have I seen one of my FB friends named Rachel at Taco Time on a Tuesday night around 6:33pm and said, “Hi” only to have her say, “How do you know my name?” It was a hypothetical situation.

5. If you re-read a FB post more than once grab a frying pan and knock yourself out with it. When you wake up remind yourself that you didn’t care about their dinner the first time you read about it, let alone the second time.

Imagine what you could do with your extra 3 hours every day. Let say you only cut back to 1.5 hours a day. Imagine what you could still do. Maybe you always wanted to learn how to play the piano but never had time? Now you do, although don’t learn how to play the piano, that is stupid. I would rather you spend the time on social media. What if you always wanted to learn how to knit? Again, don’t do that either. You can buy knitted scarves for $5 at the store, don’t waste time making your own. You might even have enough time to write horrible blog posts such as this that nobody will ever read. The possibilities are limitless!!!

 

Self Help Bible

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Self Help Bible

From 7th-12th grade I went to youth group every Wednesday night. I was at the very first gathering they ever had where there was less than 40 people. I was also there when it had over 300. On paper it was the greatest youth group in the county (Not country). People thought God must be doing amazing things for it to grow that large.

I hated that youth group. I used to dread having to go and the only reason I would go is because my friends would be there. I never really was sure why I hated it until last week when I had a breakthrough.

Recently I started leading a small group to help try and improve it. It has gone from 300 people down to 100 which is a good thing. It needs a solid foundation before it gets too big. The last couple weeks we have talked about great topics such as how to treat women, worship, and idols. The topics have been fantastic. How we have talked about them has been horrible.

What we have done is strip away the power of the Bible and turn it into a self-help book. We treat it like it was written by Steve Harvey and has some good ideas for life and women. We treat it like it should be located in the advice section at Barnes and Noble. We discussed looking at women in their eyes, not staring at their boobs/butt, and treating them respect. All of which are good things. However, there are 100’s of books that say the same thing.

The Bible is not a self-help book. It is a Book that is road map for life as we keep are eyes on the Creator. We went through a 60 minute group without reading a single Bible verse. Not one! Somebody paraphrased a few verses in their own words to make a point. That’s it.

In Matthew 9:12-13 Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick…For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

When Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick,” He was not implying that the religious crowd were acceptable before God and didn’t need the forgiveness of sins He came to provide. Rather, He was getting at the point that there’s one thing worse than being sick, namely, being sick and thinking you’re well! Then you won’t go to the doctor for the cure. At least the crooks knew they were spiritually terminal. By confessing their sinfulness and by accepting God’s cure (His undeserved mercy through Jesus), they were made well. But those who thought they were spiritually well were terminal without knowing it.

We spend all group having what could be a biblical discussion of topics but instead we take the Bible out of it. The difference between the Bible and other books is simple. It’s Jesus. When we strip away Bible verses, which were left for us as a way to read the Word of God, we take away the power of what we are saying. People should look at me funny when I say things because I am somebody who sins frequently and makes 25k a year. What do I know? They should want to hear God’s word and how it affects me.

I don’t have the power to change anyone’s life. I am an electric hedge trimmer. I can trim hedges all day only if I am plugged in to the outlet. The second I am unplugged is when I become basically useless. People’s lives can be changed through me, but not by me. I am just a tool. The true power of transformation comes from God.

I don’t need the Bible to tell me how to treat women. I don’t. I can find that info elsewhere. What I do need is the Bible to point me to the power of God and that He sent His Son to die for my sins. I need it to truly have life change and for the power it holds. I need it to grow closer to my Creator.

I beg churches and people to start treating the Bible as a Holy Book again. Stop taking only the principles out of it and applying them to the world. Stop paraphrasing stories as if your friend told you them. Stop trying to strip the power away from the Bible. I don’t care what you have to say on a topic. I care what Jesus had to say on it.

I’m sure Steve Harvey writes a really good book that we can take tidbits from. However, we have something much greater. We have the road map to eternal life. We have the Bible. We have God’s Word.

Catfish

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Catfish

I have a love/hate relationship with the show Catfish. I love Max and his hair. He is the only person on the planet with that hair color. He looks like fell asleep in a tanning booth if tanning booths turned your hair silver. I also love watching how messed up people’s lives are compared to mine. No matter how messed up my life is I can go to sleep knowing I didn’t spend the last 6 months of my life talking to someone I thought was Bow Wow.

I hate the show because I didn’t think of it first. That sucks. I could be hanging out with Ned right now but instead I’m writing this. I also hate it because I feel bad for the people on it. They truly get their hearts broken when the hot blonde turns out to be a gay guy. Another reason I hate it is that I have never been catfished. Sounds like a good thing, but what it means is that I am so un-dateable no one will even catfish me.

What I want to write today is the guide to how you know you are being catfished. I know other things like this exist but this won’t be like them. They want you to do an image search on the person and see what it pulls up. That’s cheating. I want you to do a little math and use common sense.

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They’re 2 Points Hotter than Your Last Girlfriend

The last episode I watched was a rerun but it was about a kid who lived in a very small town. At the end he met the guy who was catfishing him and his ex-girlfriend showed up as well. His ex-girlfriend was not attractive. If your ex-girlfriend is fat and ugly then there is no way the super-hot model is into you. People who date 3’s usually don’t dump them and start dating 10’s. It’s just math. People can only date other people who are within 2 points of them on the hotness scale. If you’re a 3 that is your starting point meaning you have range to go up to a 5, but no higher than that. Use your head next time. No you’re other head…

Disclaimer for those who are angry that I called someone fat and ugly. There are skinny people and there are hot people. We can all agree on that. However, if we have skinny and hot people we must also have fat and ugly people. You can’t have good without evil. I am not fat so I don’t fall into that category. However, I am ugly. That’s a part of life. Hot people should be thanking me because without me they wouldn’t be hot. If we all were hot then nobody would be hot. I will accept cash and a thank-you for my sacrifice.

They’re 3 Points Hotter than You

10’s date 10’s or 8’s with really great personalities. 10’s don’t date 3’s. They don’t. Just ask them if you don’t believe me. If you are a 5 but have a great job, great personality, and your favorite hobby is giving women foot massages you might be able to date an 8. If you are a 2 your max girl you can date is a 5. It’s true, I even double checked my math. You need to be able to step back and view the situation as an outsider. Your right I haven’t had much luck with girls, I am a 2, I don’t have a job, and I live at home. The famous pop singer probably isn’t in to me, are they? Come to that realization then move on.

They’re Famous

I love Selena Gomez. I once may have created a fake Selena Gomez FB profile so it would say I was in a relationship with her. I may have. I can neither confirm nor deny it. Selena Gomez doesn’t date 5’s who make 25k a year. She dates Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas. My name isn’t on that list. It’s on her other list of people who creepily stalk her. If someone claiming to be Selena Gomez messages me I will assume it’s actually a fat guy in his mom’s basement and I will be right in my assumption. If my name is Alexander Ludwig and I get a message from Selena Gomez I would then assume it was her. The only people who date celebrities that aren’t celebrities are chefs, yoga instructors, photographers, and masseuses. I don’t cook, I can’t touch my toes, my Instagram has 198 followers, and I have never been paid to give a massage. If you are like me then you can instantly eliminate yourself from the celebrity dating sweepstakes.

Hot 18 Year Old with No Phone

Everybody owns a phone. If I were to text my deceased grandma who died 3 years ago she would text me back. That’s how it works in this society. When you are messaging the so called “Instagram Model” and you ask for her number only for her to reply “I don’t have a phone.” That is what you call a red light where you run over a spike strip. Also if the “Instagram Model” doesn’t have a phone how does she have an Instagram?!?! Did you ever think of that? If the person you are talking to truly doesn’t have a phone you are talking to someone under the age of 5 or over the age of 80. Either way that’s a stay away.

She Wants to Spend Her Life with You Before You Meet

When I have a boring weekend and hang around the house I like to play with my dog. After a short period of time even my dog gets sick of me. She likes me for the first 8 hours then wants nothing to do with me. The girl you are talking to who is way out of your league and has never met you face to face doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with you. That is not how it works. How it works is they want you to buy them dinner, go out on dates, and if all goes well will say I love you 6 months in, but even then isn’t sure about spending her entire life with you. If a girl on day 3 of talking says I want to spend my entire life with you that’s a red flag. When you see the red flag treat it like they do in the NFL. Look at the replay and at all the evidence that points to her being fake. Then reverse the call and never talk to that person again.

 

Lemon Cake

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What a day yesterday. The church I go to had a 15 year anniversary party last night. I went to the party where they were casting vision over the next 15 years. It was all good until thirty minutes into it when I had a problem.

The event started at 7pm and they decided to provide desert. Love it. I went over to the table and saw chocolate cake and vanilla cake. Vanilla has always been my favorite so decided to go with it. I got it and took a bite only to have my taste buds start blowing there rape whistle. It was lemon cake. LEMON CAKE!!!

There is nothing worse on the planet than going for vanilla cake and getting lemon. The only thing that is close is grabbing a chocolate chip cookie which turns out to be oatmeal. Who enjoys lemon cake more than vanilla? WHO?? No, really, who? I want to know. That way I know who to never talk to again.

Lemon cake is alright, there is nothing wrong it. It just isn’t vanilla cake. As long as vanilla cake exists I see no need for lemon cake! It’s like when someone orders a pizza and one is a pepperoni and the other is vegetarian. 8% of the people on the planet like vegetarian more than a meat pizza. Why are we catering to them when 92% of all people prefer other pizzas? Whatever small percent of people like lemon cake, can like lemon cake. Just don’t cater to their needs when they’re the minority.

IF for some insane reason you want to torture your guests by giving them lemon cake you must clearly mark it. You must rent the Goodyear blimp and make a sign for it to hold pointing down at the cake saying “This is lemon cake, you’ve been warned.” If that isn’t feasible then you have to at least decorate the table they are on with plastic lemons to warn us. I would rather get kicked in the nuts if that meant I could have vanilla cake instead of eating lemon cake.

I’m scared to grab any type of cake now that isn’t chocolate. I hate living my life in constant fear. How are we supposed to know what flavor it is? I’m tempted to go to Home Depot and pick up a day laborer. I would then take him to events like this and have him test the cake to make sure it isn’t lemon. He would be my version of Hebe.

That was deep reference so let me explain. Hebe was the daughter of Zeus and Hera. Hebe was considered the Goddess of youth and with that title came cup bearer responsibilities. I know I know, I played too much Age of Mythology growing up, but it just paid off. I got a timely reference in and you got smarter.

I think what happens is the person who orders the cake watches people grab it at a 50/50 ratio. They think “Oh people must like lemon cake and chocolate cake evenly.” What they don’t realize is when people are grabbing the lemon cake they are taking one bite then throwing it away. I will eat skittles that sick children spit out because I hate wasting food. My only exception is lemon cake. I will throw that away faster than a hummingbird can flap its wings once.

I can’t stand Hilary Clinton, but if she vowed to get rid of lemon cake, she would have my vote. Something needs to be done. I say let’s ship all the lemon cake to Africa to help them out and get it out of America. The problem is though I sponsor a kid over their named Zababu and wrote him with my idea. He got so angry at me for the idea he told to stop sponsoring him. He didn’t want to be sponsored by a crazy person. He said they would feed the cake to Baboons before they ate it and the only reason they would do that is because I guess when a Baboon is mad, it’s pretty funny. Even the Baboon would hate it!

Please let me have me have my vanilla cake and die in peace. The only lemon stuff we need are Lemonade, Lemonheads, and Liz Lemon. That’s it!

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