How many of you have ever invented a product in your head before? I think everyone at some point has. I love to invent fake products and then spend the fake money I would have made of off them. When I invent a fake product I always do a halfhearted google search where I “attempt” to find out if this product already exists. I never find it mainly for the fact I don’t want to find it. Eventually I tell someone my idea only to hear them say it already exists. There is nothing worse than being told something you invented in your head already exists. I get irritated and attempt to explain how mine is different or better. I know my fake product isn’t different better, but my pride gets in the way of me saying “Oh it already exists. Good for the guy who invented it.” To me, it’s not about the product because if it were, I would be excited that it already exists a buy it. To me, it’s about the fact that I didn’t invent the product and I get really angry for no apparent reason. I wanted to be able to seal soda cans once opened. That products exists. I should be thrilled that I can now seal cans. I’m not. My pride won’t let me.
Another example is when I watch the show Shark Tank. I get angry as I sit there mad that somebody thought of a product that I should have thought of. A makeup container with a spatula on the bottom?!?! I should have thought of that.
That is what people do when it comes to God. They invent their own god. A lot of times it’s themselves, nature, or even Netflix. Like I do when I invent a product, my pride gets in the way of accepting that this product already exists. We don’t need to invent on our own god. Thankfully. God already exists. People storm off when you tell them that because they are not willing to admit God exists. They get angry because deep down they realize that it’s true, but are unwilling to admit it. We put are pride in the way of the truth. You argue, you yell, you storm off because you are wrong. If you weren’t wrong it wouldn’t matter.
People don’t get in fights arguing whether or not Bigfoot exists. One of my best friends believes in Bigfoot. I love to chat with him about it and make fun of him for believing in him. Not once does the conversation get heated because it doesn’t really matter if Bigfoot exists or not. Bring up God and that is different. It gets testy, it gets heated because of how much it matters. It matters so much.
If you came up with an invention with humility and said I have an idea that I am going to search hard for. You would most likely find out that it already exists. You would tell a friend who would say “Oh yeah that already exists.” It would be okay because you humbled yourself and instead of thinking you are genius, you would simply be thankful the product already exists and would purchase it.
Same with God. If you came at him with humility saying there has to be more to life than it just being about me, you would find out your right. Someone would explain him to you. Google would answer your question. You would be thankful you don’t have to invent God because God already exists. Not only does he already exists. But, He is better than anything you could have ever invented.
What do you care about? Do you care about the needing the product to exist so it improves your life? Or do you care about wanting to be the one to invent so everyone thinks highly about you?
It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s simply about realizing everything we could ever want or need, already exists.
I was thinking about friends the other day and no not the T.V show. Confusing I know since the picture above is of the show Friends, but it’s completely unrelated. I probably should have used a different picture so I wouldn’t have to explain that it’s not about the show Friends, but it’s to late now.
I was asking myself the question “How do you make friends?” If you think it about, it could be the hardest question in the world to answer. How do you make friends? I have friends, but I have no idea how I made them. What made me and them decide we would be friends when we met? It’s not like were the cast from Last Man on Earth and these are the only humans left. Out of all the billions of people on earth why am I friends with the handful of people I am?
ANSWER…I don’t know. I decided to do a Google search on the topic to find out how you do it. The top answer on Google gave me the following 7 step list.
1.Do it blind. Most of us have heard of the “blind date,” when we let a friend play matchmaker and set us up with someone we’ve never met before. Do the same thing to meet friends.
2.Get up close and personal.
4.Set a goal.
6.Don’t take it personally.
7.Think outside the box.
No joke that is what it said. That looks like something you would find in the book How Sociopaths Make Friends For Dummies. I have found that the best way to make friends is to set a goal and say cheese. Works just under 0% of the time.
Like all tough questions I need to answer in life, I decided to reverse engineer it. What do I not want in a friend? I thought about it and these five things came to mind. I believe these five things to be a universal truth; meaning if you do any of these things that is why you don’t have friends.
Spinning in Foosball
If I see someone who looks like they would make a good friend, the first thing I do is challenge them to a game of foosball. But wait you might ask? What if there isn’t foosball table around? What I do and would recommend to anyone who is reading this, is always carry a foosball table in the back of your truck bed. You never know when you might meet a possible friend and you need to always be prepared. If they start spinning their guys faster than Michelle Kwan doing a shotgun spin in the 2002 Olympics, it’s time to move on. That is an insane person. Foosball is game where you try to score goals, not where you try to generate enough energy to power a 40W light bulb for the next three days.
Carries a ________ with Them
I don’t like when anybody carries something with them at all times so they can show off. Whether that be a guitar, a magic trick, a basketball, or a cd of their latest mixtape. You can have all those things in your car, but you can’t carry them with you. If I utter the words “Man, I haven’t seen a magic trick in a while” that is a test. If you proceed to pull a deck of cards out of your cloak like you’re the Hustler Kid from the show Recess and ask me to pick a card, we’re finished and you have failed the test. Actually, the fact that you wear a cloak is enough for me to go the other direction. I don’t care what you pull out of it.
The person I hate the most is guitar guy. These guys are never that good at playing or singing and end up doing unasked for mediocre performances all night. Do you think you would ever see Louis Armstrong walking down the street holding his trumpet just cause? NOPE! The only time real musicians have instruments is when they practice, play, or are walking somewhere to play. They don’t carry their instrument around waiting for an opportunity to arise. That is what people who suck do because nobody wants them to play at an actual gig.
Owns a Ferret
Potential friend – Hey what are you up to?
Me – Nothing much.
Potential friend – You should come over and hangout with me and Felix.
Me – Whose Felix? Is he a cool guy?
Potential friend – Ha-ha Felix is my Ferret.
Me – *Hangs up phone
If you have a ferret I am extremely jealous first of all because people who have ferrets love them more than I could ever love anything on this planet. They love ferrets more than John Legend loves Chrissy Teigen and if you have ever heard the album Love in the Future, that is a lot of love. I wish I had 10% of the loving capabilities ferret owners do. It takes a special person to love something as awful and grotesque as a ferret.
Ferret ownership means you live in a basement and probably have a sword hanging on the wall. Ferret ownership also means you smell like a ferret all the time and are surprised when people say “NO, I DO NOT WANT TO KISS YOUR FERRET,” as you proceed to make out with it. Just say the word ferret out loud if you’re reading this. It doesn’t sound like something I ever want be within 100 feet of. If you think about it, the only thing worse than a ferret, are the people who own ferrets. To quote War “Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends?” You own a ferret, that’s why.
Is a Foodie
I had an old coworker who once uttered these words when I asked him, “What are you up to this weekend?” His response, “Nothing much, I will probably just catch up on all my Yelp reviewing I have to do.” If I was the boss I would have canned him right there. That is the worst. This is someone who if you try to go out and eat with, will give a dissertation on the pepperoni pizza they ordered. Kidding! We all know he wouldn’t order a pepperoni pizza! He would have to order an I’m better than you pizza with extra goat cheese and whole tomatoes slices on top. News flash. THE SAUCE IS MADE OUT OF TOMATOES, YOU DON’T NEED TO ALSO ORDER IT FOR THE TOP OF YOUR PIZZA! I hate this guy. If it sucks, it sucks and you can complain briefly. If it’s good feel free to let me know, but again, keep it brief. Don’t however, treat it like you are going to write a sequel to In Search Of Lost Time called My Dinner. If you have ever written a Yelp review longer than 3 sentences, it is time to get a job. If you already have a job and still write long Yelp reviews, it’s time to hang up your last pair of sunglasses at the Sunglass Hut and move on.
Half Birthday Aficionado
I hate birthdays! This may make me sound like I converted into being a Jehovah’s Witness, but I haven’t. You can rest assured knowing I will never knock on your door with a pamphlet that has Jesus on it with the question “Who was this man?” Actually, it’s not that I hate birthdays, it’s just that I hate your birthday. I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with some people and one of them said “My half birthday is in 2 weeks.” I don’t want to name her in case she is reading this…Wait a minute, I do want to name her so she knows to never do it again. Her name is Sarah.
If you know when your half birthday you are crazed narcissists who needs counseling immediately. Not only do I not care when your birthday is, I really don’t care when your half birthday is. After the age of 8 half birthdays are no longer thing.
If you have ever wished yourself a happy birthday on FB, Instagram, or Snapchat I am going to say something you have never heard in your life. Take a seat if you are standing. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You’re not. All you really have to do to have a birthday is not die. Think about it. Do we really need a yearly party celebrating you not dying?
If you know when your half birthday is, then I am going to half (Get it? Half instead of have?) to not be your friend.
A couple nights ago I was playing the game Horse with some friends. Horse is where you shoot different basketball shots, trying to make a shot your friend will miss. When you make a shot and the person you are playing with misses, they get the letter H. Once you spell out the word horse you lose. You can also play pig, which is the same game, just a little shorter. Unclear why they are both animal related. Horses and pigs have exactly zero in common with the game of basketball, but I digress. We were playing with 3 people and one of my friends made a shot. Another friend took the shot and missed. I proceeded to take my own shot, only to get a look of confusion mixed with you are cheating from my friend.
That is what gave me the idea for this post. Everybody seems to have their own rules for how games are played. What we need is a calm/soothing/brilliant voice to establish such rules. Luckily, not only do I know the perfect guy, but we happen to be really close. 90% of all the rules are accurate but there are a couple of rules in each of the following games that people have different rules for. I will be talking about those.
Please keep in mind these rules are not suggestions, they are laws. I have reached out to the FBI to see if they would help enforce these, but have yet to hear back from them. I am however, confident they will respond with an affirmative yes.
I searched my brain for a few other games with different rules and below will be the proper rules to 4 important games. These rules will not only make the games better they will also save friendships in the process.
The first rule I touched on above is changing the name. It will no longer be horse and pig because those have nothing to do with basketball. It will now be loser and bad. The only good thing pig and horse have going for them is that you get to call people a horse and a pig and have it be acceptable. I want to keep that alive and be able to call people a loser and bad. However, unlike horse and pig, bad and loser have a correlation to the game of basketball.
If somebody gets a letter off of a shot, nobody has to attempt that shot again. You can’t get multiple letters off of one shot.
When you are on your last letter and you miss, you get the following two options.
Option 1 – You can either take the shot again and if you make it you stay alive or if you miss you are a loser.
Option 2 – You can have the person who originally made the shot take it again and if they miss it you are still alive and if they make it you are a loser.
This is not a rule but something that needs to be said. Monopoly is NOT a game of luck. If you had 3 people play 300 games each one would not win 100 of them. The person with the most skill would win 150-200 of them. Monopoly has skill to it and so much so that I have not lost a game of monopoly in 10+years.
If you land on go you DO NOT get $400. Playing where you double the go money if you land on it infuses far too much cash into the game. When there is a ton of cash in the game it takes away a little of the needed skill and turns it more into luck.
When you land on free parking you get nothing. You don’t have to pay anything and you also don’t get to collect anything. Some people put all the money paid into the chance and community cards into the free parking spot so if you land on it, you get it. Again it not only infuses too much cash into the game but when is the last time you parked in a free parking spot and got handed $250?
If for example you own all 4 railroads but need to mortgage one that does not nullify your monopoly. Meaning if you mortgage Reading Railroad and somebody lands on one of the other 3, they still have to pay $200. All mortgaging Reading Railroad does is make it so nobody has to pay you if they land on it.
Back to basketball with the game of 21.
If your score is 13 or less and you get tipped, you go back to 0. If your score is 14 or higher and you go get tipped, you go back to 13. You can have 18, get tipped to go back to 13, then get tipped on 13 and go back to 0. I know it sucks, but it is part of the game.
When you are breaking or shooting after a made basket you shoot 3’s. No more free throws, this isn’t the 1950’s. Also once you make 3 in a row you check the ball up and are forced to score with defense again.
We are still playing basketball there are out of bounds rules. If the ball goes out of bounds the person with the lowest score gets the ball the first time. After that it goes in order to the next lowest and so on and so forth until the game is over. Once you go through the first time you have established an order and must keep that order the remainder of the game.
I wrote about this last week http://thoughtsatlarge.com/?p=1529. ABSOLUTLY NO SPINNING.
If the ball goes into the goal and then bounces out, it is still a goal. In a real soccer, which this game is based off of, all the ball has to do is cross the white goal line. It then doesn’t matter if somebody kicks the ball out or if it bounces out it is still a goal. Same goes in foosball.
If you listen to any type of media outlet over the last couple weeks you have heard about Greg Hardy. If you haven’t heard he is a NFL player who beat up his girlfriend a few months ago and this past week pictures of the attack were released. Not that I needed to say that because you can tell by looking at his picture he probably hits women.
Beating your significant other up is one of those few issues that nobody is for. I would say people hate domestic abuse as much as they hate murder. It’s also one of those issues where everybody can say they’re a hero. “What Greg Hardy did was wrong, he shouldn’t be allowed to play. How are the Cowboys letting him play?” Nobody on the planet disagrees with what I just said and most people on the planet have even said it for themselves. I have some bad news for you. Saying that does not make you a hero.
This topic makes us sound like politicians when they are asked “What would you do about little Tommy who doesn’t have access to breakfast and a good school.” The politician replies “I believe every kid including Tommy should have access to breakfast and a good school.” The person who asked the question is satisfied with the answer and the politician can label themselves a hero. Again saying that does not make you a hero.
The other thing people have done with Greg Hardy is call for sponsors to drop the Cowboys. If they start losing money from sponsors that will show them. Again, something we all agree on, but you shouldn’t feel good about yourself for saying that.
We now live in a society where actions and words are equal. I tell someone I ran a marathon and they tell me they thought about running one once. To them we are now even. We’re not though, because I actually did something!
The one common thing I have heard is somebody needs to do something about Greg Hardy. Whether that be the NFL, the Cowboys, or the sponsors. The one thing I have not heard anywhere is that you reading this need to do something. This past week the pictures came out on a Thursday. The Cowboys were schedule to play in the Sunday night game a couple of days later. That game that an 11.4 rating.
If you really are against Greg Hardy’s action as much as you say. Don’t watch the Cowboys. Can you imagine what the NFL would have done if that game got a 1.2 because people were boycotting it due to Hardy? He would have been out of the league faster than Tim Tebow. The NFL would have panicked because people actually stood up to them on this issue. Instead, everyone says they are against it, then tunes in to watch the football game. People are against domestic abuse, just not enough to skip a Sunday night football game.
To all you who complained and then watched the game, BE QUITE! You don’t really care. You say you care to get on the right side of the issue, but you don’t actually care. You are not a hero. You will say somebody should do something about this, just as long as that somebody isn’t you. You are a fraud.
Anyone who has been to church has taken communion at some point. It is a monthly if not weekly tradition at most churches. Let me first say that I love the symbolism of it and I respect/enjoy taking part in it. Below are what I consider the five worst things in the communion tradition. If you have ever taken communion you will recognize most if not all of these situations. So sit back grab your hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice and enjoy.
5. Two Hands?
I noticed this a few years ago at church when I was taking part in communion. I had my bread and juice in my left hand and I had my right hand holding my left arm up. I thought “Why am I using two hands to hold my communion?” I looked around and noticed 80% of the people were also doing it. I can’t figure out why we use two hands? There is nothing lighter in the world than communion. I haven’t tried this, but I think if you let go of your bread it actually floats away. Not to mention the .004 ounces of juice in the plastic thimble. It’s strange because it’s not like we hold a banana with two hands while we eat it and a banana probably weighs 10 times as much as the communion elements. Next time you are at church I want you to look at your hands then look around, your mind will be blown!
4. The Cup
Okay, after you finished holding your elements with two hands and have eaten the bread and the juice you are stuck with the cup. Has there ever been something so small yet caused such a pain? If you’re not familiar with the communion cup it’s about the size of a thimble or 3 small water bottle lids stacked on one another. I never have any idea what do with the cup. I try sticking it in my pocket, but it is impossible to get all the juice out so it ends up leaking.
Side note: There is literally about a hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice in each cup, but it is impossible to completely empty the cup. Can we not design a better cup that flows smoother? I am looking at you big communion, you need to fix this!
I will talk myself into just holding it, but after about 35 seconds I start playing the cup and end up making a loud cracking sound when I squeeze it too tight. The best option I have found so far is setting it at your feet, but the success rate is about 6% when it comes to remembering to grab it after the service and not to mention the fact that you will kick it at some point.
My solution… I want the cup to be made out of the bread so you can just eat the cup, then you won’t have to worry about it. If you’re reading this saying “how is that possible” let me just say that we have landed on the moon. This is definitely possible.
3. Grabbing The Cup First
This one is comical. When the tray is being passed around there is an order of operations that must be done. If you do not know what the tray looks like, imagine the rims you would see on a black pastors Impala. I actually think they had these little cups, but had no way to hold them. Then one Sunday somebody had an idea and they put the pastors car on blocks, took his rims, and away they went.
Okay back to the order of operations for communion. This is the PEMDAS version of communion.
1. Grab the tray with your weak hand. I know you’re scared to grab it with the fear of dropping it lurking, but this is isn’t actually Jesus’ body, it just symbolizes it.
2. Grab the bread with your dominant hand.
3. Grab the juice with the hand that is holding the bread.
4. Pass the tray along.
It’s a simple process but people always swap steps 2 and 3. There is nothing funnier than when somebody grabs the juice first because it is IMPOSSIBLE to then grab the bread. They will look at their hand in confusion and think “how in the world can I grab the bread now without dumping my juice?” They have the same look you have when you are trying to nail up a board but left the hammer on the ladder. You look up at the board and line the nail up, only to realize you don’t have a hammer. It takes about a three Mississippi in order for your brain process what exactly happened and respond. The same thing happens with communion. Follow my four simple steps and communion away.
2. The Cup Lick
This is right after the part where the pastor says “This cup symbolizes Jesus blood that was shed for us, let us drink together.” We all then drink, but like previously mentioned the cup does not drain properly. There are a couple drops at the bottom that I don’t know what to do with. What ends up happening is I take a quick look to my left, then my right, if nobody is looking I stick my tongue in the cup and lick out the rest. I look like a frog trying to catch a fly because it happens so quick. I don’t know what else to do? I can’t waste it, after all there are kids in Africa without thimble sized cups of grape juice. I thought this was a move I would out grow with age, but I am well into my twenties and I still do it often.
This is by far my biggest beef with communion. Can we not get some bread that actually tastes good? How hard can that be. The bread just symbolizes Christ’s body, it shouldn’t actually taste like it. I overheard last week a kid saying “Mom, Jesus doesn’t taste very good.” The main kind of bread churches use looks like somebody shrunk a white Cheez-It by about 80% but with none of the taste.
Actually, that gave me a great idea, why can’t we just use a normal cheddar Cheez-It? Who would complain about that? Even if you argue that it’s not actually bread, I will counter with the point that there is no way what we are using now is bread either. I have read the bible thoroughly, nowhere does it condemn the use of Cheez-It’s.…
The second kind of bread comes in a combo pack with the juice. Meaning, you get a cup with the “bread” sealed on top. In order to use it you must peel the “bread” and take it out, then peel the second layer to get to the juice. Nothing better than when the pastor is on stage doing communion and has to peel it and can’t get it open. If you are pastor and leading communion on Sunday, make sure you don’t bite your nails all week, you will need them.
Back to the “bread”. The reason I keep using quotation marks is there is no way that it’s bread. I spent a couple of years working in a shipping department where we used packing peanuts. Let me tell you, this “bread” is just a white, Frisbee shaped, packing peanut. If you get a drop of water on the “bread”, it literally just withers away and dies. I don’t know if I should be mad at the church for ordering this stuff or at big communion for cooking, well actually, more accurately, manufacturing this bread. I am going to put it in both their courts to figure something out, and if they can’t, a Cheez-It will suffice.