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Lemon Cake


What a day yesterday. The church I go to had a 15 year anniversary party last night. I went to the party where they were casting vision over the next 15 years. It was all good until thirty minutes into it when I had a problem.

The event started at 7pm and they decided to provide desert. Love it. I went over to the table and saw chocolate cake and vanilla cake. Vanilla has always been my favorite so decided to go with it. I got it and took a bite only to have my taste buds start blowing there rape whistle. It was lemon cake. LEMON CAKE!!!

There is nothing worse on the planet than going for vanilla cake and getting lemon. The only thing that is close is grabbing a chocolate chip cookie which turns out to be oatmeal. Who enjoys lemon cake more than vanilla? WHO?? No, really, who? I want to know. That way I know who to never talk to again.

Lemon cake is alright, there is nothing wrong it. It just isn’t vanilla cake. As long as vanilla cake exists I see no need for lemon cake! It’s like when someone orders a pizza and one is a pepperoni and the other is vegetarian. 8% of the people on the planet like vegetarian more than a meat pizza. Why are we catering to them when 92% of all people prefer other pizzas? Whatever small percent of people like lemon cake, can like lemon cake. Just don’t cater to their needs when they’re the minority.

IF for some insane reason you want to torture your guests by giving them lemon cake you must clearly mark it. You must rent the Goodyear blimp and make a sign for it to hold pointing down at the cake saying “This is lemon cake, you’ve been warned.” If that isn’t feasible then you have to at least decorate the table they are on with plastic lemons to warn us. I would rather get kicked in the nuts if that meant I could have vanilla cake instead of eating lemon cake.

I’m scared to grab any type of cake now that isn’t chocolate. I hate living my life in constant fear. How are we supposed to know what flavor it is? I’m tempted to go to Home Depot and pick up a day laborer. I would then take him to events like this and have him test the cake to make sure it isn’t lemon. He would be my version of Hebe.

That was deep reference so let me explain. Hebe was the daughter of Zeus and Hera. Hebe was considered the Goddess of youth and with that title came cup bearer responsibilities. I know I know, I played too much Age of Mythology growing up, but it just paid off. I got a timely reference in and you got smarter.

I think what happens is the person who orders the cake watches people grab it at a 50/50 ratio. They think “Oh people must like lemon cake and chocolate cake evenly.” What they don’t realize is when people are grabbing the lemon cake they are taking one bite then throwing it away. I will eat skittles that sick children spit out because I hate wasting food. My only exception is lemon cake. I will throw that away faster than a hummingbird can flap its wings once.

I can’t stand Hilary Clinton, but if she vowed to get rid of lemon cake, she would have my vote. Something needs to be done. I say let’s ship all the lemon cake to Africa to help them out and get it out of America. The problem is though I sponsor a kid over their named Zababu and wrote him with my idea. He got so angry at me for the idea he told to stop sponsoring him. He didn’t want to be sponsored by a crazy person. He said they would feed the cake to Baboons before they ate it and the only reason they would do that is because I guess when a Baboon is mad, it’s pretty funny. Even the Baboon would hate it!

Please let me have me have my vanilla cake and die in peace. The only lemon stuff we need are Lemonade, Lemonheads, and Liz Lemon. That’s it!

Written by Derris


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