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I have a love/hate relationship with the show Catfish. I love Max and his hair. He is the only person on the planet with that hair color. He looks like fell asleep in a tanning booth if tanning booths turned your hair silver. I also love watching how messed up people’s lives are compared to mine. No matter how messed up my life is I can go to sleep knowing I didn’t spend the last 6 months of my life talking to someone I thought was Bow Wow.

I hate the show because I didn’t think of it first. That sucks. I could be hanging out with Ned right now but instead I’m writing this. I also hate it because I feel bad for the people on it. They truly get their hearts broken when the hot blonde turns out to be a gay guy. Another reason I hate it is that I have never been catfished. Sounds like a good thing, but what it means is that I am so un-dateable no one will even catfish me.

What I want to write today is the guide to how you know you are being catfished. I know other things like this exist but this won’t be like them. They want you to do an image search on the person and see what it pulls up. That’s cheating. I want you to do a little math and use common sense.


They’re 2 Points Hotter than Your Last Girlfriend

The last episode I watched was a rerun but it was about a kid who lived in a very small town. At the end he met the guy who was catfishing him and his ex-girlfriend showed up as well. His ex-girlfriend was not attractive. If your ex-girlfriend is fat and ugly then there is no way the super-hot model is into you. People who date 3’s usually don’t dump them and start dating 10’s. It’s just math. People can only date other people who are within 2 points of them on the hotness scale. If you’re a 3 that is your starting point meaning you have range to go up to a 5, but no higher than that. Use your head next time. No you’re other head…

Disclaimer for those who are angry that I called someone fat and ugly. There are skinny people and there are hot people. We can all agree on that. However, if we have skinny and hot people we must also have fat and ugly people. You can’t have good without evil. I am not fat so I don’t fall into that category. However, I am ugly. That’s a part of life. Hot people should be thanking me because without me they wouldn’t be hot. If we all were hot then nobody would be hot. I will accept cash and a thank-you for my sacrifice.

They’re 3 Points Hotter than You

10’s date 10’s or 8’s with really great personalities. 10’s don’t date 3’s. They don’t. Just ask them if you don’t believe me. If you are a 5 but have a great job, great personality, and your favorite hobby is giving women foot massages you might be able to date an 8. If you are a 2 your max girl you can date is a 5. It’s true, I even double checked my math. You need to be able to step back and view the situation as an outsider. Your right I haven’t had much luck with girls, I am a 2, I don’t have a job, and I live at home. The famous pop singer probably isn’t in to me, are they? Come to that realization then move on.

They’re Famous

I love Selena Gomez. I once may have created a fake Selena Gomez FB profile so it would say I was in a relationship with her. I may have. I can neither confirm nor deny it. Selena Gomez doesn’t date 5’s who make 25k a year. She dates Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas. My name isn’t on that list. It’s on her other list of people who creepily stalk her. If someone claiming to be Selena Gomez messages me I will assume it’s actually a fat guy in his mom’s basement and I will be right in my assumption. If my name is Alexander Ludwig and I get a message from Selena Gomez I would then assume it was her. The only people who date celebrities that aren’t celebrities are chefs, yoga instructors, photographers, and masseuses. I don’t cook, I can’t touch my toes, my Instagram has 198 followers, and I have never been paid to give a massage. If you are like me then you can instantly eliminate yourself from the celebrity dating sweepstakes.

Hot 18 Year Old with No Phone

Everybody owns a phone. If I were to text my deceased grandma who died 3 years ago she would text me back. That’s how it works in this society. When you are messaging the so called “Instagram Model” and you ask for her number only for her to reply “I don’t have a phone.” That is what you call a red light where you run over a spike strip. Also if the “Instagram Model” doesn’t have a phone how does she have an Instagram?!?! Did you ever think of that? If the person you are talking to truly doesn’t have a phone you are talking to someone under the age of 5 or over the age of 80. Either way that’s a stay away.

She Wants to Spend Her Life with You Before You Meet

When I have a boring weekend and hang around the house I like to play with my dog. After a short period of time even my dog gets sick of me. She likes me for the first 8 hours then wants nothing to do with me. The girl you are talking to who is way out of your league and has never met you face to face doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with you. That is not how it works. How it works is they want you to buy them dinner, go out on dates, and if all goes well will say I love you 6 months in, but even then isn’t sure about spending her entire life with you. If a girl on day 3 of talking says I want to spend my entire life with you that’s a red flag. When you see the red flag treat it like they do in the NFL. Look at the replay and at all the evidence that points to her being fake. Then reverse the call and never talk to that person again.


Written by Derris


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