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Friends

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I was thinking about friends the other day and no not the T.V show. Confusing I know since the picture above is of the show Friends, but it’s completely unrelated. I probably should have used a different picture so I wouldn’t have to explain that it’s not about the show Friends, but it’s to late now.

I was asking myself the question “How do you make friends?” If you think it about, it could be the hardest question in the world to answer. How do you make friends? I have friends, but I have no idea how I made them. What made me and them decide we would be friends when we met? It’s not like were the cast from Last Man on Earth and these are the only humans left. Out of all the billions of people on earth why am I friends with the handful of people I am?

ANSWER…I don’t know. I decided to do a Google search on the topic to find out how you do it. The top answer on Google gave me the following 7 step list.

1.Do it blind. Most of us have heard of the “blind date,” when we let a friend play matchmaker and set us up with someone we’ve never met before. Do the same thing to meet friends.

2.Get up close and personal.

3.Be persistent.

4.Set a goal.

5.Say cheese.

6.Don’t take it personally.

7.Think outside the box.

No joke that is what it said. That looks like something you would find in the book How Sociopaths Make Friends For Dummies. I have found that the best way to make friends is to set a goal and say cheese. Works just under 0% of the time.

Like all tough questions I need to answer in life, I decided to reverse engineer it. What do I not want in a friend? I thought about it and these five things came to mind. I believe these five things to be a universal truth; meaning if you do any of these things that is why you don’t have friends.

Spinning in Foosball

If I see someone who looks like they would make a good friend, the first thing I do is challenge them to a game of foosball. But wait you might ask? What if there isn’t foosball table around? What I do and would recommend to anyone who is reading this, is always carry a foosball table in the back of your truck bed. You never know when you might meet a possible friend and you need to always be prepared. If they start spinning their guys faster than Michelle Kwan doing a shotgun spin in the 2002 Olympics, it’s time to move on. That is an insane person. Foosball is game where you try to score goals, not where you try to generate enough energy to power a 40W light bulb for the next three days.

Carries a ________ with Them

I don’t like when anybody carries something with them at all times so they can show off. Whether that be a guitar, a magic trick, a basketball, or a cd of their latest mixtape. You can have all those things in your car, but you can’t carry them with you. If I utter the words “Man, I haven’t seen a magic trick in a while” that is a test. If you proceed to pull a deck of cards out of your cloak like you’re the Hustler Kid from the show Recess and ask me to pick a card, we’re finished and you have failed the test. Actually, the fact that you wear a cloak is enough for me to go the other direction. I don’t care what you pull out of it.

The person I hate the most is guitar guy. These guys are never that good at playing or singing and end up doing unasked for mediocre performances all night. Do you think you would ever see Louis Armstrong walking down the street holding his trumpet just cause? NOPE! The only time real musicians have instruments is when they practice, play, or are walking somewhere to play. They don’t carry their instrument around waiting for an opportunity to arise. That is what people who suck do because nobody wants them to play at an actual gig.

Owns a Ferret

Potential friend – Hey what are you up to?

Me – Nothing much.

Potential friend – You should come over and hangout with me and Felix.

Me – Whose Felix? Is he a cool guy?

Potential friend – Ha-ha Felix is my Ferret.

Me – *Hangs up phone

If you have a ferret I am extremely jealous first of all because people who have ferrets love them more than I could ever love anything on this planet. They love ferrets more than John Legend loves Chrissy Teigen and if you have ever heard the album Love in the Future, that is a lot of love. I wish I had 10% of the loving capabilities ferret owners do. It takes a special person to love something as awful and grotesque as a ferret.

Ferret ownership means you live in a basement and probably have a sword hanging on the wall. Ferret ownership also means you smell like a ferret all the time and are surprised when people say “NO, I DO NOT WANT TO KISS YOUR FERRET,” as you proceed to make out with it. Just say the word ferret out loud if you’re reading this. It doesn’t sound like something I ever want be within 100 feet of. If you think about it, the only thing worse than a ferret, are the people who own ferrets. To quote War “Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends?” You own a ferret, that’s why.

Is a Foodie

I had an old coworker who once uttered these words when I asked him, “What are you up to this weekend?” His response, “Nothing much, I will probably just catch up on all my Yelp reviewing I have to do.” If I was the boss I would have canned him right there. That is the worst. This is someone who if you try to go out and eat with, will give a dissertation on the pepperoni pizza they ordered. Kidding! We all know he wouldn’t order a pepperoni pizza! He would have to order an I’m better than you pizza with extra goat cheese and whole tomatoes slices on top. News flash. THE SAUCE IS MADE OUT OF TOMATOES, YOU DON’T NEED TO ALSO ORDER IT FOR THE TOP OF YOUR PIZZA! I hate this guy. If it sucks, it sucks and you can complain briefly. If it’s good feel free to let me know, but again, keep it brief. Don’t however, treat it like you are going to write a sequel to In Search Of Lost Time called My Dinner. If you have ever written a Yelp review longer than 3 sentences, it is time to get a job. If you already have a job and still write long Yelp reviews, it’s time to hang up your last pair of sunglasses at the Sunglass Hut and move on.

Half Birthday Aficionado

I hate birthdays! This may make me sound like I converted into being a Jehovah’s Witness, but I haven’t. You can rest assured knowing I will never knock on your door with a pamphlet that has Jesus on it with the question “Who was this man?” Actually, it’s not that I hate birthdays, it’s just that I hate your birthday. I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with some people and one of them said “My half birthday is in 2 weeks.” I don’t want to name her in case she is reading this…Wait a minute, I do want to name her so she knows to never do it again. Her name is Sarah.

If you know when your half birthday you are crazed narcissists who needs counseling immediately. Not only do I not care when your birthday is, I really don’t care when your half birthday is. After the age of 8 half birthdays are no longer thing.

If you have ever wished yourself a happy birthday on FB, Instagram, or Snapchat I am going to say something you have never heard in your life. Take a seat if you are standing. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You’re not. All you really have to do to have a birthday is not die. Think about it. Do we really need a yearly party celebrating you not dying?

If you know when your half birthday is, then I am going to half (Get it? Half instead of have?) to not be your friend.

 

Written by Derris


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