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The Worst Candies

CANDY

I have seen many other lists on the important issue of worst candy, but they are all opinion based. This list is fact; it’s the candy version of the Ten Commandments. I see people put Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as the worst candy only to read on about how they have a peanut allergy. If you agree with them because you also have an peanut allergy, eat a big handful of Reese’s and die. Okay, not really, I got a little carried away there. I apologize. JUST STOP WRITING THESE ASTROCITIES OF YOUR SO CALLED WORST CANDY LISTS!

Honorable Mentions

Caramel Apple Sucker

Have you ever had a craving for one of these?

Fruit Candy

You know those weird candies that are at every secretary’s desk in the country? The ones that are filled with some weird artificial juice? They suck! Obama, if you want to spike your approval in the country, this is how. I want a federal mandate to all companies saying enough is enough with these candies. Make them put out something good like Reese’s and Snicker’s!

Dots

Too much work, for too little taste. Not to mention the size of the box is like the same size as an Ipad 2. We could save the Rainforest if these got discontinued.

Candy Corns

I get that we like the festive colors, but if these were brown and gray colored they would sell 1000% less than they do.

Sweethearts

I get that you want to say “I love you” by giving me candy, but I will love you even more if you give me a Twix.

Runts

I love runts, but have yet to meet anyone who likes the banana in them. You may be saying “it’s just one thing.” Yes, yes it is, but if I make a turkey, roast beef, Swiss cheese sandwich with rotten mayonnaise, it’s no good! Get rid of the banana and you have a new customer.

Pixie Sticks

They said “forget all the work that goes into making candy; we will just give them the best part.” Turns out substance with candy is the most important part. To the lazy makers of pixie sticks, I bid you GOOD DAY!

5. Jolly Rancher Hard Candy

You may be thinking I love the Jolly Rancher and you’re probably right. I do love the picture I get in my head of a Jolly Rancher. I can picture Santa Claus out on his ranch riding a horse and him saying “boy oh boy, I am one Jolly Rancher.” But now for the negatives, these do not age well. Jolly Ranchers are a hard candy, but give them time and they turn in to a Jello covered rock. The outside gets weirdly squishy and somehow the inside gets harder. The other problem is the residue it leaves behind. Once it ages a little like previously mentioned, it leaves a layer of stick on your hands. I use no hyperbole when I say you could probably climb up a vertical wall like Spiderman if you rubbed a Jolly Rancher on both your hands and your feet. If you think warm water and soap will take it off, good luck. You are going to need MEK paint thinner and a 3000 PSI Honda Pressure washer.

4. Jujubes

Where to even start on these? First the name. It is pronounced Jew Jew Bees. What is a Juju? Is that a Jew who is a doctor, but also does comedy? Is it a guy from the morning team out of Fresno? Is it a new discipline called Jui Jui Jitsu? Urban Dictionary calls it “the Gypsie word for luck.” If it means luck, you are going to need all the luck you can get eating these. Chewing on this stuff is like chewing on ¾ minus crushed gravel. Good luck surviving with all your teeth intact. If you’re lucky enough to keep all your teeth, hope you have a free 3 day weekend coming up where can sit and pick all the candy out of your mouth. Again why the bes? We have a way to spell bees, ITS BEES. Why do you have to get all highfalutin on us with your spelling! Can we not just add the other ‘e’ on there? It’s not like its called supercalifragilisticexpialidocious candy and it must be shortened to SCFED candy. IT’S JUST ONE VOWEL, A HARMLESS E!!!! Also, do they have a taste? There’re fat kids who have turned these down in favor of carrots.

3. M&M’s

My hatred of these may be a little personal. I have a numerous friends (it’s tough for me to even call them friends anymore) whose favorite cookie is the M&M cookie. We don’t need an M&M cookie we already have something called the CHOCALATE CHIP COOKIE!! All an M&M is, is a round chocolate chip. Why don’t we cut out the middle man and just sell small bags of chocolate chips at checkout lines? Also, if I want just chocolate, I will eat a Hershey’s bar. It doesn’t get any better than that. Down with M&M’s!!!!

2. Tootsie Roll

I spent the last 5 months of my life debating if this should go 1 or 2. First off the taste, what is the taste? It is a chocolate candy but it does not taste like the afore-mentioned chocolate chip or Hershey’s bar. It tastes like somebody was trying to make a chocolate candy without any of the ingredients of chocolate in it. Now the blaring problem, the name. A tootsie roll. We have something on our bodies called our tootsie or butts. We also have something that comes out of our tootsies that looks like this candy, called turds. So basically this candy is being marketed to us as poop. Tootsie Roll is just a nice way of saying Butt Turd. They might actually move more units if it was called that due to the novelty of it. Finally, everyone growing up has heard a story from a friend, who had a friend, who had a friend. The story being, how they wrapped up one of their own turds and put it into a Tootsie Roll wrapper. Then they gave it to someone who ate it. Nobody loves jokes more than I do especially ones that have poop involved, but do I really need a candy that can be so easily confused? I rest my case.

1. Tootsie Pop

Where to even begin? Again, why the need for the name tootsie to be involved? I just don’t get it. Let’s breakdown this candy. The outside is fair to midland at best. It’s decent until you try a Dum Dum and realize how good those are. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll? I have no idea, but if you try, be prepared for a bump to appear on the tip of your tongue the following day. Plus, who has the patience to just sit and lick it all day? Now for the real problem. You finally lick your way down and now you are stuck with a Tootsie Roll. A TOOTSIE ROLL!!! All that work for that! It’s like hatching a plan to break from prison, escaping, and then getting hit by a bus the next day. ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING!!! Also I feel like I spent most of childhood looking for an Indian shooting a star on my wrapper. You remember that? How if you found one you got a free sucker, or maybe it was you needed 5 and you got a free bag of suckers? Who knows, all I know is that I lost a lot of valuable time, plus countless sticky finger from constantly saving those wrappers. Now, let’s make a big Dum Dum and put a peanut butter cup in the middle of it. That will be the highest selling candy for the rest of time.

 

Written by Derris


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