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Communion

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Anyone who has been to church has taken communion at some point. It is a monthly if not weekly tradition at most churches. Let me first say that I love the symbolism of it and I respect/enjoy taking part in it. Below are what I consider the five worst things in the communion tradition. If you have ever taken communion you will recognize most if not all of these situations. So sit back grab your hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice and enjoy.

5. Two Hands?

I noticed this a few years ago at church when I was taking part in communion. I had my bread and juice in my left hand and I had my right hand holding my left arm up. I thought “Why am I using two hands to hold my communion?” I looked around and noticed 80% of the people were also doing it. I can’t figure out why we use two hands? There is nothing lighter in the world than communion. I haven’t tried this, but I think if you let go of your bread it actually floats away. Not to mention the .004 ounces of juice in the plastic thimble. It’s strange because it’s not like we hold a banana with two hands while we eat it and a banana probably weighs 10 times as much as the communion elements. Next time you are at church I want you to look at your hands then look around, your mind will be blown!

4. The Cup

Okay, after you finished holding your elements with two hands and have eaten the bread and the juice you are stuck with the cup. Has there ever been something so small yet caused such a pain? If you’re not familiar with the communion cup it’s about the size of a thimble or 3 small water bottle lids stacked on one another. I never have any idea what do with the cup. I try sticking it in my pocket, but it is impossible to get all the juice out so it ends up leaking.

Side note: There is literally about a hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice in each cup, but it is impossible to completely empty the cup. Can we not design a better cup that flows smoother? I am looking at you big communion, you need to fix this!

I will talk myself into just holding it, but after about 35 seconds I start playing the cup and end up making a loud cracking sound when I squeeze it too tight. The best option I have found so far is setting it at your feet, but the success rate is about 6% when it comes to remembering to grab it after the service and not to mention the fact that you will kick it at some point.

My solution… I  want the cup to be made out of the bread so you can just eat the cup, then you won’t have to worry about it. If you’re reading this saying “how is that possible” let me just say that we have landed on the moon. This is definitely possible.

3. Grabbing The Cup First

This one is comical. When the tray is being passed around there is an order of operations that must be done. If you do not know what the tray looks like, imagine the rims you would see on a black pastors Impala. I actually think they had these little cups, but had no way to hold them. Then one Sunday somebody had an idea and they put the pastors car on blocks, took his rims, and away they went.

Okay back to the order of operations for communion. This is the PEMDAS version of communion.

1. Grab the tray with your weak hand. I know you’re scared to grab it with the fear of dropping it lurking, but this is isn’t actually Jesus’ body, it just symbolizes it.

2. Grab the bread with your dominant hand.

3. Grab the juice with the hand that is holding the bread.

4. Pass the tray along.

It’s a simple process but people always swap steps 2 and 3. There is nothing funnier than when somebody grabs the juice first because it is IMPOSSIBLE to then grab the bread. They will look at their hand in confusion and think “how in the world can I grab the bread now without dumping my juice?” They have the same look you have when you are trying to nail up a board but left the hammer on the ladder. You look up at the board and line the nail up, only to realize you don’t have a hammer. It takes about a three Mississippi in order for your brain process what exactly happened and respond. The same thing happens with communion. Follow my four simple steps and communion away.

2. The Cup Lick

This is right after the part where the pastor says “This cup symbolizes Jesus blood that was shed for us, let us drink together.” We all then drink, but like previously mentioned the cup does not drain properly. There are a couple drops at the bottom that I don’t know what to do with. What ends up happening is I take a quick look to my left, then my right, if nobody is looking I stick my tongue in the cup and lick out the rest. I look like a frog trying to catch a fly because it happens so quick. I don’t know what else to do? I can’t waste it, after all there are kids in Africa without thimble sized cups of grape juice. I thought this was a move I would out grow with age, but I am well into my twenties and I still do it often.

1.The “Bread”

This is by far my biggest beef with communion. Can we not get some bread that actually tastes good? How hard can that be. The bread just symbolizes Christ’s body, it shouldn’t actually taste like it. I overheard last week a kid saying “Mom, Jesus doesn’t taste very good.” The main kind of bread churches use looks like somebody shrunk a white Cheez-It by about 80% but with none of the taste.

Actually, that gave me a great idea, why can’t we just use a normal cheddar Cheez-It? Who would complain about that? Even if you argue that it’s not actually bread, I will counter with the point that there is no way what we are using now is bread either. I have read the bible thoroughly, nowhere does it condemn the use of Cheez-It’s.…

The second kind of bread comes in a combo pack with the juice. Meaning, you get a cup with the “bread” sealed on top. In order to use it you must peel the “bread” and take it out, then peel the second layer to get to the juice. Nothing better than when the pastor is on stage doing communion and has to peel it and can’t get it open. If you are pastor and leading communion on Sunday, make sure you don’t bite your nails all week, you will need them.

Back to the “bread”. The reason I keep using quotation marks is there is no way that it’s bread. I spent a couple of years working in a shipping department where we used packing peanuts. Let me tell you, this “bread” is just a white, Frisbee shaped, packing peanut. If you get a drop of water on the “bread”, it literally just withers away and dies. I don’t know if I should be mad at the church for ordering this stuff or at big communion for cooking, well actually, more accurately, manufacturing this bread. I am going to put it in both their courts to figure something out, and if they can’t, a Cheez-It will suffice.

Written by Derris


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