My Will



My Will as a 19 Year Old


If you’re reading this it means I either sent the wrong attachment in my email or I am dead. I want to make sure you guys know what to do with all of my belongings since I am no longer here to tell you.

Article 1

I have done research on funerals and they are very pricey. I as you know I was never one to waste money. In order to save money I ask that you please bury me in the backyard. You know the spot, under the same bench that truffles our cat is under. I always loved that cat. My only wish is you put a fake beard on me and bury me with two tablets that have the Ten Commandments on them. I know someday somebody will bring an excavator in are backyard and dig it all up. I want them to think they found Moses.

Article 2

I do not want to bequeath my belongs to only one person. I don’t want them to get a big head having just inherited so much. Below is what I would like each person to receive.

Parents – I leave you my car, well actually it’s your car that I am borrowing, but you can have it back. I haven’t gotten the oil changed for about 10 months and the transmission no longer gets out of first gear, but other than that it is in great shape.

Brother – You can have my X-Box. No not the 1, the 360. My X-Box 1 is at a friend’s house and you will never get it back from him. Also, I know you have already been eating my cup of noodles in the pantry which I PAID for! But feel free to have the last 3 cups, don’t say I never did anything for you.

Sister – You can have my life savings. It is in my backpack. Wait don’t go running after it yet let me finish, it’s not what you think. My life savings isn’t what you would call liquid. It is the form of textbooks which I paid over $600 dollars for. If you list the books on amazon I have no doubt that will clear at least $45 for them.

All over my other assets which include my baseball cards, hot wheels, beany babies, and my Gameboy color with Pokémon blue version are to be sold and the money donated to Kids Without Sailboats. I envision a day where everybody has a sailboat to use. Although that day didn’t come while I was alive, there is no reason it can’t come during my grandkids life.  

Article 3

I do not own any real estate to leave to anybody, however I did pay $19.95 last year to name a star. I would like to leave the star in my name so I can be remembered by it. If you look up in the sky and see a shooting star, that is not me. Shooting stars were an extra $9.95 and that was a little too steep for me. My star is up there somewhere on your left or right depending which way you are facing. Whenever you see my star I want you to remember that even when a star dies, it still shines on.

My Final Requests

Please don’t put a “In loving memory” sticker on any car worth less than 25k. The last thing I want is to live on forever on the back of a 1991 Toyota Tercel.

In the same note do not get any tattoos of which to remember me by. Chances are you will get fat at some point and I don’t want to live on forever on one of your fat rolls.

Mom don’t be one of those crazy people who leaves there kids room just as it was. I have a half-eaten sandwich under my bed and a full glass of milk on my dresser which is already starting to smell. Not to mention you haven’t done my laundry in a while and it’s getting nasty.

If you must have a ceremony I ask that you play the song Stayin’ Alive during it. Also don’t let it be one of those weird ceremonies where you celebrate my life instead of mourn my death. I am dead, the least you guys can do is mourn me for a 90 minutes. Give me that.

If somebody could rent a woman of color to come to my funeral so she can scream “Not my baby! Take me instead” and attempt to jump in the casket that would be awesome. It’s not that I don’t love you mom because I do. It’s just that it won’t seem as believable if you do it.

Please bury me with a Big Mac. I am curious to see whether the Big Mac or myself decompose first.

Delete my Christian Farmer dating profile if you would. I don’t want somebody to logon in 100 years and see a profile for a 119 year old. That might freak them out.

Dad if in my honor you would run a marathon for me that would mean a lot. Just kidding, I don’t want you to die too.

If anybody wants any of my organs or any other pieces off of me, they can have them. What do I care? I won’t be needing them.

Please Please Please delete my Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime account. I have paid for these services the last couple years and my freeloading friends/family have taken advantage of me. I am sick and tired of paying for everything and figured it was easier to die than to remove all the lazy bums who have access to MY accounts.

If somebody could call the assistant manager at Safeway and let him know I will not be in Tuesday for my 4 hour shift. He will have to find somebody else to turn the labels on Rosarita beans located on isle 16.

Finally, as I write this I am reflecting back on my life and wondering if there was anything I would do differently? Would I have quit my job to travel the world? Had the courage to ask out my high school crush? Gone sky diving to concur my fear of heights? No, it was none of those. The only thing different I would do, is to not die.