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Communion

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Anyone who has been to church has taken communion at some point. It is a monthly if not weekly tradition at most churches. Let me first say that I love the symbolism of it and I respect/enjoy taking part in it. Below are what I consider the five worst things in the communion tradition. If you have ever taken communion you will recognize most if not all of these situations. So sit back grab your hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice and enjoy.

5. Two Hands?

I noticed this a few years ago at church when I was taking part in communion. I had my bread and juice in my left hand and I had my right hand holding my left arm up. I thought “Why am I using two hands to hold my communion?” I looked around and noticed 80% of the people were also doing it. I can’t figure out why we use two hands? There is nothing lighter in the world than communion. I haven’t tried this, but I think if you let go of your bread it actually floats away. Not to mention the .004 ounces of juice in the plastic thimble. It’s strange because it’s not like we hold a banana with two hands while we eat it and a banana probably weighs 10 times as much as the communion elements. Next time you are at church I want you to look at your hands then look around, your mind will be blown!

4. The Cup

Okay, after you finished holding your elements with two hands and have eaten the bread and the juice you are stuck with the cup. Has there ever been something so small yet caused such a pain? If you’re not familiar with the communion cup it’s about the size of a thimble or 3 small water bottle lids stacked on one another. I never have any idea what do with the cup. I try sticking it in my pocket, but it is impossible to get all the juice out so it ends up leaking.

Side note: There is literally about a hummingbird’s beak worth of grape juice in each cup, but it is impossible to completely empty the cup. Can we not design a better cup that flows smoother? I am looking at you big communion, you need to fix this!

I will talk myself into just holding it, but after about 35 seconds I start playing the cup and end up making a loud cracking sound when I squeeze it too tight. The best option I have found so far is setting it at your feet, but the success rate is about 6% when it comes to remembering to grab it after the service and not to mention the fact that you will kick it at some point.

My solution… I  want the cup to be made out of the bread so you can just eat the cup, then you won’t have to worry about it. If you’re reading this saying “how is that possible” let me just say that we have landed on the moon. This is definitely possible.

3. Grabbing The Cup First

This one is comical. When the tray is being passed around there is an order of operations that must be done. If you do not know what the tray looks like, imagine the rims you would see on a black pastors Impala. I actually think they had these little cups, but had no way to hold them. Then one Sunday somebody had an idea and they put the pastors car on blocks, took his rims, and away they went.

Okay back to the order of operations for communion. This is the PEMDAS version of communion.

1. Grab the tray with your weak hand. I know you’re scared to grab it with the fear of dropping it lurking, but this is isn’t actually Jesus’ body, it just symbolizes it.

2. Grab the bread with your dominant hand.

3. Grab the juice with the hand that is holding the bread.

4. Pass the tray along.

It’s a simple process but people always swap steps 2 and 3. There is nothing funnier than when somebody grabs the juice first because it is IMPOSSIBLE to then grab the bread. They will look at their hand in confusion and think “how in the world can I grab the bread now without dumping my juice?” They have the same look you have when you are trying to nail up a board but left the hammer on the ladder. You look up at the board and line the nail up, only to realize you don’t have a hammer. It takes about a three Mississippi in order for your brain process what exactly happened and respond. The same thing happens with communion. Follow my four simple steps and communion away.

2. The Cup Lick

This is right after the part where the pastor says “This cup symbolizes Jesus blood that was shed for us, let us drink together.” We all then drink, but like previously mentioned the cup does not drain properly. There are a couple drops at the bottom that I don’t know what to do with. What ends up happening is I take a quick look to my left, then my right, if nobody is looking I stick my tongue in the cup and lick out the rest. I look like a frog trying to catch a fly because it happens so quick. I don’t know what else to do? I can’t waste it, after all there are kids in Africa without thimble sized cups of grape juice. I thought this was a move I would out grow with age, but I am well into my twenties and I still do it often.

1.The “Bread”

This is by far my biggest beef with communion. Can we not get some bread that actually tastes good? How hard can that be. The bread just symbolizes Christ’s body, it shouldn’t actually taste like it. I overheard last week a kid saying “Mom, Jesus doesn’t taste very good.” The main kind of bread churches use looks like somebody shrunk a white Cheez-It by about 80% but with none of the taste.

Actually, that gave me a great idea, why can’t we just use a normal cheddar Cheez-It? Who would complain about that? Even if you argue that it’s not actually bread, I will counter with the point that there is no way what we are using now is bread either. I have read the bible thoroughly, nowhere does it condemn the use of Cheez-It’s.…

The second kind of bread comes in a combo pack with the juice. Meaning, you get a cup with the “bread” sealed on top. In order to use it you must peel the “bread” and take it out, then peel the second layer to get to the juice. Nothing better than when the pastor is on stage doing communion and has to peel it and can’t get it open. If you are pastor and leading communion on Sunday, make sure you don’t bite your nails all week, you will need them.

Back to the “bread”. The reason I keep using quotation marks is there is no way that it’s bread. I spent a couple of years working in a shipping department where we used packing peanuts. Let me tell you, this “bread” is just a white, Frisbee shaped, packing peanut. If you get a drop of water on the “bread”, it literally just withers away and dies. I don’t know if I should be mad at the church for ordering this stuff or at big communion for cooking, well actually, more accurately, manufacturing this bread. I am going to put it in both their courts to figure something out, and if they can’t, a Cheez-It will suffice.

Free Ride

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Bernie Sander’s to Give Everyone Free Cars

—This morning on Berniesanders2016.com, Bernie published a new idea he hopes will help boost his approval rating. In the post titled “Free Ride”, Bernie released a plan saying that for as little as a cup of coffee every 90 seconds being taken from your paycheck, everyone in America can have a free car. He didn’t just stop there though. He clarified his remarks by saying “I don’t mean a crappy car either. I mean a car that is no more than 2 years old.” For those worried they might get a 1990 Toyota Tercel that is sure to help put your nerves at ease.

We were able to catch up with Bernie and asked him who would be paying for gas, repairs, and car insurance? He replied “Free! It’s all free. I don’t think the American people realize that for the price of a $5 foot long every 8 minutes, we can provide everything needed to keep the free cars on the road.” He didn’t stop there. Bernie added “I want you to drive your new car to the ampm and fill up on gas for free. I then want you to go inside and get a free Slurpee. But wait. Grab a corn dog as well! GRAB ANYTHING YOU WANT FOR FREE!” He was then heard yelling “FEEL THE BERN!!!!” as he quickly left are offices without giving us the opportunity to ask any follow up questions.

One thing is for sure; this will have republicans everywhere fired up.

 

The Worst Candies

CANDY

I have seen many other lists on the important issue of worst candy, but they are all opinion based. This list is fact; it’s the candy version of the Ten Commandments. I see people put Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as the worst candy only to read on about how they have a peanut allergy. If you agree with them because you also have an peanut allergy, eat a big handful of Reese’s and die. Okay, not really, I got a little carried away there. I apologize. JUST STOP WRITING THESE ASTROCITIES OF YOUR SO CALLED WORST CANDY LISTS!

Honorable Mentions

Caramel Apple Sucker

Have you ever had a craving for one of these?

Fruit Candy

You know those weird candies that are at every secretary’s desk in the country? The ones that are filled with some weird artificial juice? They suck! Obama, if you want to spike your approval in the country, this is how. I want a federal mandate to all companies saying enough is enough with these candies. Make them put out something good like Reese’s and Snicker’s!

Dots

Too much work, for too little taste. Not to mention the size of the box is like the same size as an Ipad 2. We could save the Rainforest if these got discontinued.

Candy Corns

I get that we like the festive colors, but if these were brown and gray colored they would sell 1000% less than they do.

Sweethearts

I get that you want to say “I love you” by giving me candy, but I will love you even more if you give me a Twix.

Runts

I love runts, but have yet to meet anyone who likes the banana in them. You may be saying “it’s just one thing.” Yes, yes it is, but if I make a turkey, roast beef, Swiss cheese sandwich with rotten mayonnaise, it’s no good! Get rid of the banana and you have a new customer.

Pixie Sticks

They said “forget all the work that goes into making candy; we will just give them the best part.” Turns out substance with candy is the most important part. To the lazy makers of pixie sticks, I bid you GOOD DAY!

5. Jolly Rancher Hard Candy

You may be thinking I love the Jolly Rancher and you’re probably right. I do love the picture I get in my head of a Jolly Rancher. I can picture Santa Claus out on his ranch riding a horse and him saying “boy oh boy, I am one Jolly Rancher.” But now for the negatives, these do not age well. Jolly Ranchers are a hard candy, but give them time and they turn in to a Jello covered rock. The outside gets weirdly squishy and somehow the inside gets harder. The other problem is the residue it leaves behind. Once it ages a little like previously mentioned, it leaves a layer of stick on your hands. I use no hyperbole when I say you could probably climb up a vertical wall like Spiderman if you rubbed a Jolly Rancher on both your hands and your feet. If you think warm water and soap will take it off, good luck. You are going to need MEK paint thinner and a 3000 PSI Honda Pressure washer.

4. Jujubes

Where to even start on these? First the name. It is pronounced Jew Jew Bees. What is a Juju? Is that a Jew who is a doctor, but also does comedy? Is it a guy from the morning team out of Fresno? Is it a new discipline called Jui Jui Jitsu? Urban Dictionary calls it “the Gypsie word for luck.” If it means luck, you are going to need all the luck you can get eating these. Chewing on this stuff is like chewing on ¾ minus crushed gravel. Good luck surviving with all your teeth intact. If you’re lucky enough to keep all your teeth, hope you have a free 3 day weekend coming up where can sit and pick all the candy out of your mouth. Again why the bes? We have a way to spell bees, ITS BEES. Why do you have to get all highfalutin on us with your spelling! Can we not just add the other ‘e’ on there? It’s not like its called supercalifragilisticexpialidocious candy and it must be shortened to SCFED candy. IT’S JUST ONE VOWEL, A HARMLESS E!!!! Also, do they have a taste? There’re fat kids who have turned these down in favor of carrots.

3. M&M’s

My hatred of these may be a little personal. I have a numerous friends (it’s tough for me to even call them friends anymore) whose favorite cookie is the M&M cookie. We don’t need an M&M cookie we already have something called the CHOCALATE CHIP COOKIE!! All an M&M is, is a round chocolate chip. Why don’t we cut out the middle man and just sell small bags of chocolate chips at checkout lines? Also, if I want just chocolate, I will eat a Hershey’s bar. It doesn’t get any better than that. Down with M&M’s!!!!

2. Tootsie Roll

I spent the last 5 months of my life debating if this should go 1 or 2. First off the taste, what is the taste? It is a chocolate candy but it does not taste like the afore-mentioned chocolate chip or Hershey’s bar. It tastes like somebody was trying to make a chocolate candy without any of the ingredients of chocolate in it. Now the blaring problem, the name. A tootsie roll. We have something on our bodies called our tootsie or butts. We also have something that comes out of our tootsies that looks like this candy, called turds. So basically this candy is being marketed to us as poop. Tootsie Roll is just a nice way of saying Butt Turd. They might actually move more units if it was called that due to the novelty of it. Finally, everyone growing up has heard a story from a friend, who had a friend, who had a friend. The story being, how they wrapped up one of their own turds and put it into a Tootsie Roll wrapper. Then they gave it to someone who ate it. Nobody loves jokes more than I do especially ones that have poop involved, but do I really need a candy that can be so easily confused? I rest my case.

1. Tootsie Pop

Where to even begin? Again, why the need for the name tootsie to be involved? I just don’t get it. Let’s breakdown this candy. The outside is fair to midland at best. It’s decent until you try a Dum Dum and realize how good those are. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll? I have no idea, but if you try, be prepared for a bump to appear on the tip of your tongue the following day. Plus, who has the patience to just sit and lick it all day? Now for the real problem. You finally lick your way down and now you are stuck with a Tootsie Roll. A TOOTSIE ROLL!!! All that work for that! It’s like hatching a plan to break from prison, escaping, and then getting hit by a bus the next day. ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING!!! Also I feel like I spent most of childhood looking for an Indian shooting a star on my wrapper. You remember that? How if you found one you got a free sucker, or maybe it was you needed 5 and you got a free bag of suckers? Who knows, all I know is that I lost a lot of valuable time, plus countless sticky finger from constantly saving those wrappers. Now, let’s make a big Dum Dum and put a peanut butter cup in the middle of it. That will be the highest selling candy for the rest of time.

 

How to Order at Restaurants

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Unless you are on the Dave Ramsey super plan, you eat out pretty regularly. After all, is there anything that much better than going out to eat with friends on a Friday night? To answer my own question. No, not really. The only thing that can ruin it, is you. You are going to a new restaurant and aren’t sure what to order. Thank goodness you have me. I am here to help you maneuver the ordering process with ease. I don’t normally compare myself to super heroes but let me say this. Batman saves people in a made up city with made up people. I save people in the real world with real people. You tell me who is the bigger hero?

Order the Mac and Cheese

Always, always, always, order the mac & cheese, but only if it falls between the $7-$15 price range. The reason being is that under $7 you get in the Kraft price range. Over $15 and you get there take on mac & cheese. There will be noodles and cheese, but they will ruin it trying to make it to fancy. People tend to overlook the mac & cheese and think it’s for kids, but they are wrong. A good mac & cheese will be the best thing you eat all week.

Wood Fired Pizza Oven

I have talked before about how I work with crazy people, but here is another story to really drive home that point. One road trip we were on we went to a restaurant with a wood fired pizza oven. My coworkers proceeded to order a piece of fish and the other one ordered a plate of spaghetti. Nothing wrong with either normally, but when you are at a place with a wood fired pizza oven. YOU ORDER PIZZA! I proceeded to eat one of the best pizzas of my life, while they ate the same meal you could get at any ordinary Applebee’s.

The next year we went back and my coworkers learned from me and ordered pizza this time. In order to one up them again I got wood fired jojo’s. When I say jojo’s a lot of people think about the soggy ones you find at Safeway. Those give jojo’s a bad name. Wood fired jojo’s may as well be a completely different food.

The Right Way

Nothing is better is than mac & cheese and good pizza. However, some restaurants don’t seem to understand that and attempt to put their own flavor on an already good item. Pizza is pizza. It is cow cheese, meat, and a thin crust. That is all you need for good pizza. There is nothing to fix. Pizza is delicious. When a restaurant says “well we do are pizza with goat cheese, a super thick crust, and whole tomatoes slices”, stay away! They are attempting to fix pizza, but like I already mentioned, IT DOESN’T’ NEED FIXED! If you want to fix cauliflower and Brussel sprouts so they become edible, then feel free! But leave my pizza alone!

Cater Your Order to the Restaurant

The definition of stupidity is going to a seafood restaurant and ordering a hamburger. It’s true. You can look it up in the Derriam-Webster dictionary. You don’t go to Texas to order seafood. They may have it on the menu, but you go to Texas for BBQ. If someone specializes in car repair, you don’t also expect them to specialize in tree removal. Let the mechanic fix the cars and the let the tree service remove the trees. If you are at a great breakfast place don’t order a dinner item! You order breakfast. Cater your order to the specialty of the restaurant. When in Rome does as the Romans do…

Never Sleep on the Mozzarella Sticks

I’ll keep this brief. Mozzarella sticks are the Jack Sikma of appetizers. Way underrated and worthy of ordering almost every time you go out. Ordering Mozzarella sticks separate the haves and the have nots. The haves, now have mozzarella sticks to enjoy and the have nots, don’t.

Special Sauce

Not an order I know, but still very important. If the restaurant you are at does their own special sauce for burgers and fries, you have to order it. If ketchup is a Ford Taurus the special sauce is a BMW 5 series.

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