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Catfish

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Catfish

I have a love/hate relationship with the show Catfish. I love Max and his hair. He is the only person on the planet with that hair color. He looks like fell asleep in a tanning booth if tanning booths turned your hair silver. I also love watching how messed up people’s lives are compared to mine. No matter how messed up my life is I can go to sleep knowing I didn’t spend the last 6 months of my life talking to someone I thought was Bow Wow.

I hate the show because I didn’t think of it first. That sucks. I could be hanging out with Ned right now but instead I’m writing this. I also hate it because I feel bad for the people on it. They truly get their hearts broken when the hot blonde turns out to be a gay guy. Another reason I hate it is that I have never been catfished. Sounds like a good thing, but what it means is that I am so un-dateable no one will even catfish me.

What I want to write today is the guide to how you know you are being catfished. I know other things like this exist but this won’t be like them. They want you to do an image search on the person and see what it pulls up. That’s cheating. I want you to do a little math and use common sense.

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They’re 2 Points Hotter than Your Last Girlfriend

The last episode I watched was a rerun but it was about a kid who lived in a very small town. At the end he met the guy who was catfishing him and his ex-girlfriend showed up as well. His ex-girlfriend was not attractive. If your ex-girlfriend is fat and ugly then there is no way the super-hot model is into you. People who date 3’s usually don’t dump them and start dating 10’s. It’s just math. People can only date other people who are within 2 points of them on the hotness scale. If you’re a 3 that is your starting point meaning you have range to go up to a 5, but no higher than that. Use your head next time. No you’re other head…

Disclaimer for those who are angry that I called someone fat and ugly. There are skinny people and there are hot people. We can all agree on that. However, if we have skinny and hot people we must also have fat and ugly people. You can’t have good without evil. I am not fat so I don’t fall into that category. However, I am ugly. That’s a part of life. Hot people should be thanking me because without me they wouldn’t be hot. If we all were hot then nobody would be hot. I will accept cash and a thank-you for my sacrifice.

They’re 3 Points Hotter than You

10’s date 10’s or 8’s with really great personalities. 10’s don’t date 3’s. They don’t. Just ask them if you don’t believe me. If you are a 5 but have a great job, great personality, and your favorite hobby is giving women foot massages you might be able to date an 8. If you are a 2 your max girl you can date is a 5. It’s true, I even double checked my math. You need to be able to step back and view the situation as an outsider. Your right I haven’t had much luck with girls, I am a 2, I don’t have a job, and I live at home. The famous pop singer probably isn’t in to me, are they? Come to that realization then move on.

They’re Famous

I love Selena Gomez. I once may have created a fake Selena Gomez FB profile so it would say I was in a relationship with her. I may have. I can neither confirm nor deny it. Selena Gomez doesn’t date 5’s who make 25k a year. She dates Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas. My name isn’t on that list. It’s on her other list of people who creepily stalk her. If someone claiming to be Selena Gomez messages me I will assume it’s actually a fat guy in his mom’s basement and I will be right in my assumption. If my name is Alexander Ludwig and I get a message from Selena Gomez I would then assume it was her. The only people who date celebrities that aren’t celebrities are chefs, yoga instructors, photographers, and masseuses. I don’t cook, I can’t touch my toes, my Instagram has 198 followers, and I have never been paid to give a massage. If you are like me then you can instantly eliminate yourself from the celebrity dating sweepstakes.

Hot 18 Year Old with No Phone

Everybody owns a phone. If I were to text my deceased grandma who died 3 years ago she would text me back. That’s how it works in this society. When you are messaging the so called “Instagram Model” and you ask for her number only for her to reply “I don’t have a phone.” That is what you call a red light where you run over a spike strip. Also if the “Instagram Model” doesn’t have a phone how does she have an Instagram?!?! Did you ever think of that? If the person you are talking to truly doesn’t have a phone you are talking to someone under the age of 5 or over the age of 80. Either way that’s a stay away.

She Wants to Spend Her Life with You Before You Meet

When I have a boring weekend and hang around the house I like to play with my dog. After a short period of time even my dog gets sick of me. She likes me for the first 8 hours then wants nothing to do with me. The girl you are talking to who is way out of your league and has never met you face to face doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with you. That is not how it works. How it works is they want you to buy them dinner, go out on dates, and if all goes well will say I love you 6 months in, but even then isn’t sure about spending her entire life with you. If a girl on day 3 of talking says I want to spend my entire life with you that’s a red flag. When you see the red flag treat it like they do in the NFL. Look at the replay and at all the evidence that points to her being fake. Then reverse the call and never talk to that person again.

 

Lemon Cake

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What a day yesterday. The church I go to had a 15 year anniversary party last night. I went to the party where they were casting vision over the next 15 years. It was all good until thirty minutes into it when I had a problem.

The event started at 7pm and they decided to provide desert. Love it. I went over to the table and saw chocolate cake and vanilla cake. Vanilla has always been my favorite so decided to go with it. I got it and took a bite only to have my taste buds start blowing there rape whistle. It was lemon cake. LEMON CAKE!!!

There is nothing worse on the planet than going for vanilla cake and getting lemon. The only thing that is close is grabbing a chocolate chip cookie which turns out to be oatmeal. Who enjoys lemon cake more than vanilla? WHO?? No, really, who? I want to know. That way I know who to never talk to again.

Lemon cake is alright, there is nothing wrong it. It just isn’t vanilla cake. As long as vanilla cake exists I see no need for lemon cake! It’s like when someone orders a pizza and one is a pepperoni and the other is vegetarian. 8% of the people on the planet like vegetarian more than a meat pizza. Why are we catering to them when 92% of all people prefer other pizzas? Whatever small percent of people like lemon cake, can like lemon cake. Just don’t cater to their needs when they’re the minority.

IF for some insane reason you want to torture your guests by giving them lemon cake you must clearly mark it. You must rent the Goodyear blimp and make a sign for it to hold pointing down at the cake saying “This is lemon cake, you’ve been warned.” If that isn’t feasible then you have to at least decorate the table they are on with plastic lemons to warn us. I would rather get kicked in the nuts if that meant I could have vanilla cake instead of eating lemon cake.

I’m scared to grab any type of cake now that isn’t chocolate. I hate living my life in constant fear. How are we supposed to know what flavor it is? I’m tempted to go to Home Depot and pick up a day laborer. I would then take him to events like this and have him test the cake to make sure it isn’t lemon. He would be my version of Hebe.

That was deep reference so let me explain. Hebe was the daughter of Zeus and Hera. Hebe was considered the Goddess of youth and with that title came cup bearer responsibilities. I know I know, I played too much Age of Mythology growing up, but it just paid off. I got a timely reference in and you got smarter.

I think what happens is the person who orders the cake watches people grab it at a 50/50 ratio. They think “Oh people must like lemon cake and chocolate cake evenly.” What they don’t realize is when people are grabbing the lemon cake they are taking one bite then throwing it away. I will eat skittles that sick children spit out because I hate wasting food. My only exception is lemon cake. I will throw that away faster than a hummingbird can flap its wings once.

I can’t stand Hilary Clinton, but if she vowed to get rid of lemon cake, she would have my vote. Something needs to be done. I say let’s ship all the lemon cake to Africa to help them out and get it out of America. The problem is though I sponsor a kid over their named Zababu and wrote him with my idea. He got so angry at me for the idea he told to stop sponsoring him. He didn’t want to be sponsored by a crazy person. He said they would feed the cake to Baboons before they ate it and the only reason they would do that is because I guess when a Baboon is mad, it’s pretty funny. Even the Baboon would hate it!

Please let me have me have my vanilla cake and die in peace. The only lemon stuff we need are Lemonade, Lemonheads, and Liz Lemon. That’s it!

First Female to Play in the NFL

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First Female to Play in the NFL

—Breaking news this morning as the Cleveland Browns announced they have signed the first female in NFL history. Contrary to popular belief that the first female in the NFL would be a kicker, the Browns have signed linebacker Becky O’Shea, who is better known by her nickname Icebox.

Becky came into our offices late last night to sit down with us and explain the emotions she was going through. “I have only been this excited before once in my life and that was winning a peewee game against my uncle. I never thought I would feel that way again. I always loved football even if it wasn’t what most girls would do. I got caught up trying to fit in and actually was a cheerleader for a short time, but it wasn’t me. The turning point in my career was when a teammate of mine named Spike told me he didn’t play with girls. That stuck with me and is something I have used for motivation ever since. I hope to be an inspiration to all the girls out there but more importantly I hope to kick some butt.”

We asked her what the first thing is she would buy with her new contract. She smiled and said “A new car for my dad. He is getting to old to be driving a go-kart around.”

Becky who is married to her longtime sweetheart Junior has two kids and hopes to show them anything is possible. Her husband Junior couldn’t be more excited for her and actually played some small college football as a QB. He currently works as a district manager for a well-known toilet paper distributor, but may have to resign to stay home with the kids.

Abortion Music

Every day that goes by is another day where I get to see people argue about abortion. I am not quite sure what there is to argue about.

Abortion is murder.

But wait, what about rape, the mother’s wellbeing or if the baby is going to be severely disabled? That’s a good argument. Let’s base all of our decisions on something that happens less than 5% of the time.

Planned Parenthood does great things and only 3% of the funds go towards abortion. Plus the 3% is not federally funded it is different money.

First off, if somebody is a class act but 3% of the time likes to commit murders, then that person is evil. Ted Bundy committed murders way way less than 3% of his time, but I think we can agree that he is evil. Secondly, the federal money and the private money goes into one pot and is split up. Yes, technically the federal money may not pay for abortion but its pays for a lot of things allowing PP to stay open. If that money disappeared then the private money would have to go to cover that stuff. The federal money allows PP to use the private money for abortions.

Anyways, I know 10 million things have been written about this in the last 10 minutes alone. What I haven’t seen is any music recommendations being made about this topic. I am a big believer in music and its ability to connect with listeners at a deeper level in a way talking can’t. Music gets an emotional connection out of us whether it’s to motivate us in life or to make a scary movie scene even that much scarier. It’s psychologically proven to do so.

The first song is from Flipsyde called Happy Birthday. Side note: I am going to write about a member of the band called Piper because he is doing amazing things. The band Flipsyde is not a Christian band in anyway. Piper is simply a guy who had an abortion when he was younger and now regrets it. It is one of the best 25 songs of all time. The chorus is incredibly powerful when Piper says “Happy birthday, I love you, whoever you would have been.” Give it a listen.

The second song is from Trip Lee called Beautiful Life. He is a Christian rapper and a pretty good one at that. The chorus again is tear worthy. It goes “Beautiful life inside, living, moving, breathing. So let hope arise. God knew what he was doing when He gave, Beautiful, beautiful life.” Give it a listen.

 

It is also a very good song although I would say Happy Birthday is just a tad better due to the pure emotion you feel from Piper while he raps.

No matter what your take is on abortion gives these two songs a listen and tell me you are not moved by them.

Convenient Jesus

skipping church

James 1:2-4

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Convenient Jesus

I had the idea to write about Convenient Jesus two weeks ago during the NFL season kickoff. I wrote it down but didn’t do much with it. 2Two weeks later after skipping church twice the message hits close to home for me so I figured it was time.

The church I go to averages around 300-400 people on a given Sunday. I am located in Washington State home of the 12th man. The first week of the season the Seahawks were playing a 10:00 AM game. 10:00 AM games are always rough for church. Combine that with the fact it was week 1 and that made it even rougher. Church was down 150 people from the previous week. 150, and it’s not like the previous week was Easter either. The previous week was Labor Day with people out of town for the three day weekend.

Whether we like it or not this is what are actions are saying.

I love going to church except for when the Seahawks are playing. I love Jesus so much except for when my friends want to go out drinking. I hate sin except if it is a sin I do all the time. I pray every night except for when I am tired. I would read my bible more except that I am super busy. I would give to the poor except I don’t make enough money. I would pay attention in church except I need to update my fantasy roster. I would be on fire for the Lord except…

We have turned Jesus into someone we go to and spend time with only when nothing else is going on. How many times have you read about Moses and laughed when they made a gold cow to worship instead of God? It is quite humorous to me. That is until I skip church to watch grown men play a game and spend more time on my fantasy team than I do in the bible. Then it’s not so funny. It’s actually depressing.

The reason we do all the above things is simple…

We don’t need Jesus.

Or at least we act like we don’t.

You hear stories in India where pastors are digging their own graves before they go out and preach knowing they could get killed in doing so. You also hear in India about a place where God is doing great things. How can we count it all joy when we endure trials if we never go through trials? We all have housing, clothing, food, and water. We have more right now than at any time in the history of the world. We have it all. Except for a REAL relationship with Jesus. The places where the Holy Spirit is doing the greatest work are also places where the Devil is trying to do is greatest work.

One of my favorites quotes is “I hope to live a life worthy of the devil noticing me and have him send a demon to try and stop me.”

I do have good news though. Being a Christian in America is getting tougher. Try being against homosexuality right, you will get some push back. Try saying you are waiting for marriage to have sex. Try not swearing regularly when everyone around you is. All of that is considered crazy. All of that is good news. It is joy.

When you lean into the Lord and you fight addiction, you fight sin, you fight unrighteous. Those are the times when you feel Him the most. Look at Job who was the most righteous man on earth. Read all he went through. Being a Christian is not supposed to be easy because when life is easy you start to feel like you don’t need Jesus.

Know what you believe in and take a stand. Go through struggles for being a Christian because that is when you will feel joy. Have so much hope and faith in the Lord that you choose him over everything else on a daily basis.

Deny yourself in order to find your true self.

 

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