I was thinking about friends the other day and no not the T.V show. Confusing I know since the picture above is of the show Friends, but it’s completely unrelated. I probably should have used a different picture so I wouldn’t have to explain that it’s not about the show Friends, but it’s to late now.
I was asking myself the question “How do you make friends?” If you think it about, it could be the hardest question in the world to answer. How do you make friends? I have friends, but I have no idea how I made them. What made me and them decide we would be friends when we met? It’s not like were the cast from Last Man on Earth and these are the only humans left. Out of all the billions of people on earth why am I friends with the handful of people I am?
ANSWER…I don’t know. I decided to do a Google search on the topic to find out how you do it. The top answer on Google gave me the following 7 step list.
1.Do it blind. Most of us have heard of the “blind date,” when we let a friend play matchmaker and set us up with someone we’ve never met before. Do the same thing to meet friends.
2.Get up close and personal.
4.Set a goal.
6.Don’t take it personally.
7.Think outside the box.
No joke that is what it said. That looks like something you would find in the book How Sociopaths Make Friends For Dummies. I have found that the best way to make friends is to set a goal and say cheese. Works just under 0% of the time.
Like all tough questions I need to answer in life, I decided to reverse engineer it. What do I not want in a friend? I thought about it and these five things came to mind. I believe these five things to be a universal truth; meaning if you do any of these things that is why you don’t have friends.
Spinning in Foosball
If I see someone who looks like they would make a good friend, the first thing I do is challenge them to a game of foosball. But wait you might ask? What if there isn’t foosball table around? What I do and would recommend to anyone who is reading this, is always carry a foosball table in the back of your truck bed. You never know when you might meet a possible friend and you need to always be prepared. If they start spinning their guys faster than Michelle Kwan doing a shotgun spin in the 2002 Olympics, it’s time to move on. That is an insane person. Foosball is game where you try to score goals, not where you try to generate enough energy to power a 40W light bulb for the next three days.
Carries a ________ with Them
I don’t like when anybody carries something with them at all times so they can show off. Whether that be a guitar, a magic trick, a basketball, or a cd of their latest mixtape. You can have all those things in your car, but you can’t carry them with you. If I utter the words “Man, I haven’t seen a magic trick in a while” that is a test. If you proceed to pull a deck of cards out of your cloak like you’re the Hustler Kid from the show Recess and ask me to pick a card, we’re finished and you have failed the test. Actually, the fact that you wear a cloak is enough for me to go the other direction. I don’t care what you pull out of it.
The person I hate the most is guitar guy. These guys are never that good at playing or singing and end up doing unasked for mediocre performances all night. Do you think you would ever see Louis Armstrong walking down the street holding his trumpet just cause? NOPE! The only time real musicians have instruments is when they practice, play, or are walking somewhere to play. They don’t carry their instrument around waiting for an opportunity to arise. That is what people who suck do because nobody wants them to play at an actual gig.
Owns a Ferret
Potential friend – Hey what are you up to?
Me – Nothing much.
Potential friend – You should come over and hangout with me and Felix.
Me – Whose Felix? Is he a cool guy?
Potential friend – Ha-ha Felix is my Ferret.
Me – *Hangs up phone
If you have a ferret I am extremely jealous first of all because people who have ferrets love them more than I could ever love anything on this planet. They love ferrets more than John Legend loves Chrissy Teigen and if you have ever heard the album Love in the Future, that is a lot of love. I wish I had 10% of the loving capabilities ferret owners do. It takes a special person to love something as awful and grotesque as a ferret.
Ferret ownership means you live in a basement and probably have a sword hanging on the wall. Ferret ownership also means you smell like a ferret all the time and are surprised when people say “NO, I DO NOT WANT TO KISS YOUR FERRET,” as you proceed to make out with it. Just say the word ferret out loud if you’re reading this. It doesn’t sound like something I ever want be within 100 feet of. If you think about it, the only thing worse than a ferret, are the people who own ferrets. To quote War “Why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends?” You own a ferret, that’s why.
Is a Foodie
I had an old coworker who once uttered these words when I asked him, “What are you up to this weekend?” His response, “Nothing much, I will probably just catch up on all my Yelp reviewing I have to do.” If I was the boss I would have canned him right there. That is the worst. This is someone who if you try to go out and eat with, will give a dissertation on the pepperoni pizza they ordered. Kidding! We all know he wouldn’t order a pepperoni pizza! He would have to order an I’m better than you pizza with extra goat cheese and whole tomatoes slices on top. News flash. THE SAUCE IS MADE OUT OF TOMATOES, YOU DON’T NEED TO ALSO ORDER IT FOR THE TOP OF YOUR PIZZA! I hate this guy. If it sucks, it sucks and you can complain briefly. If it’s good feel free to let me know, but again, keep it brief. Don’t however, treat it like you are going to write a sequel to In Search Of Lost Time called My Dinner. If you have ever written a Yelp review longer than 3 sentences, it is time to get a job. If you already have a job and still write long Yelp reviews, it’s time to hang up your last pair of sunglasses at the Sunglass Hut and move on.
Half Birthday Aficionado
I hate birthdays! This may make me sound like I converted into being a Jehovah’s Witness, but I haven’t. You can rest assured knowing I will never knock on your door with a pamphlet that has Jesus on it with the question “Who was this man?” Actually, it’s not that I hate birthdays, it’s just that I hate your birthday. I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with some people and one of them said “My half birthday is in 2 weeks.” I don’t want to name her in case she is reading this…Wait a minute, I do want to name her so she knows to never do it again. Her name is Sarah.
If you know when your half birthday you are crazed narcissists who needs counseling immediately. Not only do I not care when your birthday is, I really don’t care when your half birthday is. After the age of 8 half birthdays are no longer thing.
If you have ever wished yourself a happy birthday on FB, Instagram, or Snapchat I am going to say something you have never heard in your life. Take a seat if you are standing. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You’re not. All you really have to do to have a birthday is not die. Think about it. Do we really need a yearly party celebrating you not dying?
If you know when your half birthday is, then I am going to half (Get it? Half instead of have?) to not be your friend.
A couple nights ago I was playing the game Horse with some friends. Horse is where you shoot different basketball shots, trying to make a shot your friend will miss. When you make a shot and the person you are playing with misses, they get the letter H. Once you spell out the word horse you lose. You can also play pig, which is the same game, just a little shorter. Unclear why they are both animal related. Horses and pigs have exactly zero in common with the game of basketball, but I digress. We were playing with 3 people and one of my friends made a shot. Another friend took the shot and missed. I proceeded to take my own shot, only to get a look of confusion mixed with you are cheating from my friend.
That is what gave me the idea for this post. Everybody seems to have their own rules for how games are played. What we need is a calm/soothing/brilliant voice to establish such rules. Luckily, not only do I know the perfect guy, but we happen to be really close. 90% of all the rules are accurate but there are a couple of rules in each of the following games that people have different rules for. I will be talking about those.
Please keep in mind these rules are not suggestions, they are laws. I have reached out to the FBI to see if they would help enforce these, but have yet to hear back from them. I am however, confident they will respond with an affirmative yes.
I searched my brain for a few other games with different rules and below will be the proper rules to 4 important games. These rules will not only make the games better they will also save friendships in the process.
The first rule I touched on above is changing the name. It will no longer be horse and pig because those have nothing to do with basketball. It will now be loser and bad. The only good thing pig and horse have going for them is that you get to call people a horse and a pig and have it be acceptable. I want to keep that alive and be able to call people a loser and bad. However, unlike horse and pig, bad and loser have a correlation to the game of basketball.
If somebody gets a letter off of a shot, nobody has to attempt that shot again. You can’t get multiple letters off of one shot.
When you are on your last letter and you miss, you get the following two options.
Option 1 – You can either take the shot again and if you make it you stay alive or if you miss you are a loser.
Option 2 – You can have the person who originally made the shot take it again and if they miss it you are still alive and if they make it you are a loser.
This is not a rule but something that needs to be said. Monopoly is NOT a game of luck. If you had 3 people play 300 games each one would not win 100 of them. The person with the most skill would win 150-200 of them. Monopoly has skill to it and so much so that I have not lost a game of monopoly in 10+years.
If you land on go you DO NOT get $400. Playing where you double the go money if you land on it infuses far too much cash into the game. When there is a ton of cash in the game it takes away a little of the needed skill and turns it more into luck.
When you land on free parking you get nothing. You don’t have to pay anything and you also don’t get to collect anything. Some people put all the money paid into the chance and community cards into the free parking spot so if you land on it, you get it. Again it not only infuses too much cash into the game but when is the last time you parked in a free parking spot and got handed $250?
If for example you own all 4 railroads but need to mortgage one that does not nullify your monopoly. Meaning if you mortgage Reading Railroad and somebody lands on one of the other 3, they still have to pay $200. All mortgaging Reading Railroad does is make it so nobody has to pay you if they land on it.
Back to basketball with the game of 21.
If your score is 13 or less and you get tipped, you go back to 0. If your score is 14 or higher and you go get tipped, you go back to 13. You can have 18, get tipped to go back to 13, then get tipped on 13 and go back to 0. I know it sucks, but it is part of the game.
When you are breaking or shooting after a made basket you shoot 3’s. No more free throws, this isn’t the 1950’s. Also once you make 3 in a row you check the ball up and are forced to score with defense again.
We are still playing basketball there are out of bounds rules. If the ball goes out of bounds the person with the lowest score gets the ball the first time. After that it goes in order to the next lowest and so on and so forth until the game is over. Once you go through the first time you have established an order and must keep that order the remainder of the game.
I wrote about this last week http://thoughtsatlarge.com/?p=1529. ABSOLUTLY NO SPINNING.
If the ball goes into the goal and then bounces out, it is still a goal. In a real soccer, which this game is based off of, all the ball has to do is cross the white goal line. It then doesn’t matter if somebody kicks the ball out or if it bounces out it is still a goal. Same goes in foosball.